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April 1, 1999
Donor Gives Rat's Ass to Columbia
By the Exaggerated Press
NEW YORK (EP) -- Columbia University announced today that they have received a rat's ass from alumnus Arthur Julia '68, a New York real estate developer. It is believed to be the first such gift accepted by any Ivy League university. In 1969, a group of Harvard alums angered over coeducation presented the school with two shits, but their gift was not accepted.
A statement from the Columbia Treasurer's Office said, "Since the species Rattus rattus was responsible for the Black Plague, I think we can say Mr. Julia's gift has a certain historical value, if not a monetary one." The somewhat mauled hind-end will be added to Columbia's endowment, currently totaling over $1 billion.
"My wife is always telling me I don't give a rat's ass about Columbia," Mr. Julia explained. "Now I have, so she can shut up."
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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