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April 1, 1999
Hillary Nation
Other Op-Ed ArticlesPolice Brutality Starts at Home
By RICHARD MELLON SCAIFE
s New York State braces for a possible Senate bid by Hillary Rodham Clinton, many questions remain about this enigmatic figure. Do her politics differ from those of her husband? Can she truly escape the taint of his scandals? And how does she feel about being worse than Satan?
Understandably, it is this last question which voters care about most. Indeed, I believe that in the years to come, a chastened humanity will use her name as part of the common tongue, shorthand to plumb the darkest realms of existence: "The pogroms were an act of purest hillary." "To look into the eyes of Pol Pot was to know hillary." "Hitler, Stalin, Mao: which one was the hillariest?"
People often ask me, "If you weren't so rich, wouldn't you be institutionalized?" But some also ask me to explain Hillary Rodham, and I am always reluctant. How does one "explain" the bubonic plague? But in the following chronology I make the attempt, if only for our children's sake, and our children's children's, and their children's after them, and their children's children's children's...(etc.)
September 9, 1947 Two-tailed "hairy" comet appears over Sichuan Province, China. Bantam fighting cock born to woman in Mexico City. A tornado of frogs rips through El Segundo, Texas. Hillary Rodham born in Chicago, Illinois.
1949 As the USSR explodes its first A-bomb, a precocious Hillary Rodham speaks for the first time. Her parents are surprised to hear her first words: "Who is Vincent Foster and how soon can I murder him?"
1950 Hillary Rodham's mother enrolls her in a federally-funded daycare program, where she bonds with sapphic playmates Lani Guinier and Anita Hill. Hillary will later write in It Takes a Village Voice that it was here she formed her lifelong affection for forced collectivization.
1959 Hillary Rodham enters puberty, developing the paradoxical combination of ice-queen frigidity and ravenous, all-devouring sexuality that will later perplex the world's greatest scientists. While friends put up posters of Marilyn Monroe and James Dean in their bedrooms, Hillary adorns hers with one of Lavrenty Beria.
1965-68 Hillary Rodham attends Wellesley, where her senior thesis, "An All-Queer Military: Only a Matter of Time," is received warmly by a cabal of radical multiculturalist faculty. Hillary excels in her courses, especially "Shady Real Estate Deals: From Conception to Coverup."
1970 Hillary Rodham meets Bill Clinton in the library at the Yale Law School. They are soon seen walking together for hours, raptly discussing their common dream of stifling entrepreneurial initiative. Hillary's professors remember her as an eager student, filled with questions about how to murder Vincent Foster.
1973 Bill Clinton proposes to Hillary Rodham. She says yes, on the condition that it be a loveless marriage of political convenience. Also, in lieu of a ring, she asks that he pledge to rape Juanita Broaddrick.
1974 Hillary Rodham and Bill Clinton are married at midnight under an upside down cross in a Little Rock cemetery. Hillary keeps her last name because, she explains to friends, "it's more butch."
1978 Bill Clinton is elected Governor of Arkansas. On election night Hillary thanks her "coven" of female advisors for their "support and Wicca magick." She soon becomes pregnant during the sole sexual encounter between her and Bill Clinton, after which twelve strong men are needed to prevent her from eating him.
1979 Chelsea Clinton born. She is reverse-baptised.
1980 Bill Clinton is defeated in a bid for reelection. He and Hillary, desperate for funds, rob Madison Guaranty S&L with shotguns, using the loot to buy a tract of land in Whitewater, Arkansas.
1982-90 Bill Clinton is reelected, but the Whitewater venture steadily loses value. In a complex scam, Hillary invests in cattle futures, then orders 19 billion hamburgers for Chelsea's taxpayer-funded eighth birthday party. Her investment rockets 3,200%.
1992 Bill Clinton is elected President. Sharp-eyed reporters notice that Hillary travels everywhere with thirteen black cats and an incubus named Sean.
1993 Bill Clinton is inaugurated. Hillary takes charge of revamping the nation's health care, pledging that her new system will (1) provide coverage for every American, and (2) murder Vincent Foster. Meanwhile, she rents an apartment in Georgetown under the name Clillary Rodham Hinton.
1994 Vincent Foster is found dead in a Virginia park. The Secret Service searches everywhere for the First Lady, finally finding her practicing her golf swing, about to be picked up by a limousine for a midnight flight to Chicago. Wendell Hubble, former partner of both Hillary and Foster, resigns from office, claiming scurvy.
1995 As she comes under increasing pressure about Foster's death, the First Lady's staff announces that she will spend the next two years vacationing on the astral plane. In the meantime, the Library of Congress is asked to research "the worst thing anyone ever did."
1996-97 Inside the White House, Bill Clinton has an affair with intern Monica Lewinsky. The press continues to suppress a report by Christopher Ruddy that could explain his reckless behavior, titled "The First Lady's Evil Zombie Penis."
1998 The Lewinsky story breaks, and Hillary goes on NBC to denounce an vast, completely imaginary right-wing conspiracy. Meanwhile, an international collection of concerned citizens and patriots, each working independently, spends $20.2 billion in an effort to annihilate her.
1999 Hillary reveals that she may run for the Senate, citing a void in her life now that Chelsea has left home and she has finally murdered Vincent Foster. The White House phone system fails as thousands of headhunters jam the lines, offering Hillary executive positions in Hell.
So there you have it. Political insiders are divided on whether Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist spoken of in Revelations, or something worse than even God can think of. Whatever the case, New Yorkers will hopefully go the polls the better informed because of this article. I will not personally be present on Earth in 2000, as I have already made plans to have my consciousness encoded in a Cray supercomputer to be launched into orbit around Venus, but I certainly wish you all the best. If worst comes to worst, try throwing some water on her -- it probably won't work, but there's a chance she might just melt.
Richard Mellon Scaife is an insane scion.
This website is a work of parody. Any similiarities to real people or events, without satiric intent, is coincidental.
Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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