|
|
|
April 1, 1999
Yale Botanist Proves All Science 'Wrong'
Other Science Articles
By MICHAEL ELLIS
EW HAVEN, CT. -- Get ready, world: if a Yale professor is right, everyone else is wrong.
After over a decade of research, botanist Ruby Biggs has powerfully and irrevocably shown that the theory of science is fundamentally flawed. This momentous finding not only renders all scientific knowledge "completely, totally invalid," it may have profound repercussions.
"I did not need this right now," said Neal Lane, President Clinton's Science Advisor. "Bill already thinks the world is going to end this New Year's Eve."
The stunning results of Dr. Biggs' paper, titled "Drosophila and Meaning," were released late yesterday in a press conference at Yale University, where he is a professor of marine ecological botany. As the announcement was made, all the planes dropped from the skies around New Haven, in mute testimony to Biggs' findings.
Dr Biggs made the discovery while investigating the effect of salt concentration on seaweed growth and its connection to mutation rate in the "risk / breast cancer / big bones syndrome" gene of Drosophilia megalogaster, otherwise known as the common fruit fly. Experiments are often carried out on Drosophilia due to its relatively small genome, quick reproduction rate, and lack of a powerful interest group concerned with its well-being.
The experiments, carried out over a period of thirteen years, conclusively demonstrated that the theory of science is false. "The development of an extra set of eyes on the thorax of megalogaster shows that science is meaningless...Believe me, no one was more surprised than I was," Dr. Biggs read from his paper, appearing in next month's Science, now called, "Just Some Stuff."
Biggs is not the first person to come to such a glum conclusion; his results bear similarities to those reached by the empiricist philosophers of 1930s Vienna. Both claim that something is meaningless, but Biggs claimed that "my theory is better. Now that Science is dead, I don't even have to prove it."
By invalidating the basis of scientific knowledge, Dr. Biggs' conclusions essentially erase six thousand years of human intellectual achievement. More immediately, his results likely symbolize the end of modern science. If science were to end, then more than four hundred million people worldwide -- the number of workers in science-related fields -- could lose their jobs. "I'd like to punch Ruby Biggs in the mouth," said a researcher. "Some things just shouldn't be discovered."
This website is a work of parody. Any similiarities to real people or events, without satiric intent, is coincidental.
Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
|