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April 1, 1999
Introducing, the Bangladesh Barons!
Other Sports ArticlesHolyfield-Lewis Judge Can't Stop Making Fool of Herself
By MICHAEL SLOAN
HAKA, Bangladesh -- The Birmingham Barons have seen their share of curveballs in the last decade. In 1993, the AA farm team of the Chicago White Sox jumped from obscurity into the national spotlight courtesy of a journeyman outfielder named Jordan. Then, in 1997, their manager exposed the team's rampant use of little pills he called "steroids." This scandal, and MJ's return to basketball, led to serious financial difficulties culminating in the declaration of bankruptcy in 1998. However, there's a light at the end of the Barons' tunnel -- which apparently leads through the center of the earth: starting this season, the team will play in a brand-new state-of-the-art jute and wattle facility in Dhaka, Bangladesh.
General Manager Gus Avery describes the decision to move to a less costly environment as "win-win, a real no-brainer." On chubby fingers, he lists the corners which will be cut by the struggling organization. "Our uniforms are already made there. Goodbye shipping costs." Avery spits jovially. "The balls are also made from the skins of local cows...after they die a natural death, of course."
The Barons will also benefit the local economy; thousands of jobs have already been created by the construction of Dhaka Stadium, which boasts a thatched, yet retractable dome. (The stadium's designers have used bamboo in ingenious ways to create the old-time feel made so popular by parks like Camden Yards.) Due to the lack of housing in the vicinity, the Barons have struck a deal to allow the field to serve as temporary dwelling before, after, and even during games. Each of the four bases will mask holes leading to underground septic tanks and after hours, the bullpen is expected to be used as just that.
Not all players are cheering the relocation. Monsoon season "will make the playoffs pure Hell," according to catcher "Stoop" Wallace, pointing to the massive destruction visited on the country nearly every October since Creation.
Still, Barons' GM Avery is confident and excited: "Unlike the rest of the league, we'll build up our immunity -- then win it all in 2000." He slaps a mosquito. "I guarantee it!"
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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