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March 23, 1999
Technical Snafu Leads to Wild Ride for Dow
Other Business ArticlesAll US Media Giants Merge New Magazine is So Crazy, It Just MightWork Drug Markets Mellow After Placebo Scare
By STEPHEN FISHBACH
EW YORK -- After an electrician mistakenly disabled the NYSE's computerized "circuit breakers," and traders started their day with a Wall Street Journal expose detailing Federal Reserve Chairman Allen Greenspan's five year battle with crystal meth, market watchers knew we were in for a wild ride. But nobody expected it to be like this.
Massive market fluctuations -- from 15,000 to -500 and back again -- caused joy, chaos, terror, and finally relief, as the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed and crashed in rapid succession.
At 9:07 AM, the Dow passed 15,000 for the first time in the history of the Universe. The surge, attributed to E-traders, caused jubilant investors to take to the streets, in a party the likes of which hadn't been seen "since my bud Joey's 23rd birthday party," said a random onlooker. Alcohol and marijuana flowed and wafted freely in cities nationwide.
However, the joy quickly turned sour. Many investors, feeling content with their new millions (and buzzing quite hard), decided to sell. By 9:24 AM, the Dow had crashed to the pre-1996 level of 2000. Then A.J. Davis, an electrician working on the trading floor's extensive mood lighting, disabled the Dow's computerized trading brakes, put in place after the Crash of 1987. The way was now clear for imaginary numbers -- and sure enough, the market had plummeted to a value of -514.48 by 9:37 AM.
The once-rich partiers quickly become a violent mob of looters. At 10:05, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Des Moines, Iowa had been burned to the ground as the nations' economy ground to a stop, then, miraculously, shifted into reverse.
Sensing the nation's weakness as thousands committed suicide, America's enemies went into high gear. At 10:15, spy satellites recorded Iraqi soldiers exposing stockpiles of nerve gas and nuclear weapons, both of which had been buried beneath a thin layer of sand.
In a surprise twist, the U.S.S.R., which everybody thought had disintegrated, reformed. At 10:30 and 10:32, respectively, recent admittees Poland and Czechoslovakia renounced their NATO membership. The mighty Warsaw Pact forces rolled into position to attack a supine Western Europe.
At 10:42, American defense systems detected that nuclear weapons were now aimed at all major American cities and Saint Paul, Minnesota. A desperate President Clinton asked Russian Premier Boris Yeltsin "Aren't we friends? What about the last seven years?" Yeltsin, drunk on vodka and undergoing massive heart surgery, replied, "Ha! You stupid capitalist, bloated with your rich foods and decadent roll-and-rock music! How easy it is to dupe you!
Just as America prepared for Gotterdammerung, a group of private investor/patriots, spent all of their money on bellwether stocks. By 11:20, the DJIA had been forced back up to 9000. By 11:33, the rioting had ended. By 11:40, people had stopped killing themselves, except for 20 or so teenagers who were doing it over girls, not money.
At 12:02 PM, thesame spy satellite captured images of Iraqis, fearing retribution, donning yarmulkes and fleeing to Israel.
American military personnel admitted that they'd been caught off guard. "We had thought of looking under the sand, but there's just so much of it," said John Sycamore, new head of the UN weapons inspection team. "Next time we'll use a gigantic metal detector, like Poindexter used in Revenge of the Nerds II, Nerds in Paradise."
The morning chaos was followed by an uneventful afternoon. The market closed at 9,857.03, just five points off the previous day's close.
By press time, Yeltsin was still trying to convince President Clinton that the shenanigans were a result of "this new blood pressure medication I'm on."
Stock market analyst Nigel Veblen said, "I've been predicting this since 1984. But really, in the long run, there's no real change or damage -- unless you live in Des Moines."
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