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April 1, 1999
Drug Markets Mellow After Placebo Scare
Other Business ArticlesAll US Media Giants Merge New Magazine is So Crazy, It Just Might Work Wall Street's Wild Ride
By ELI KINITISCH
ACRAMENTO, CA YMCA -- Sales of all types of recreational drugs surged at the Oblique Orbit IV mini-rave last night, causing jittery buyers and sellers to breathe a fume-laden sigh of relief. After last weekends' Exodus Rex IX party brought a stomach-churning plunge and 12-month lows, market watchers were wary. But uncertainty turned to jubilation as CNBC reported heavy trading on the Ecstasy, Shrooms, Smileys, Uppers, Shiney and Tweeters markets, assuaging fears of a longterm decline. The Weed and Nitrous markets remained stable as trading closed at 5:30 AM, when one of the DJ's, who looked like he was at least 23, told everyone he was a narc.
Market analyst DJ Askew said that strong demand at the Oblique event signals a return of consumer confidence. "Flussflough zzzzzz muffalough pluffafougg fuough," he said, twirling a glowing hoop on the dance floor. Upon removing his methalator mask Askew offered an even more lucid view of the turnaround: "Fuzzfoughgararket share on the close. And with interest rates at a standstill, we should see investors itching to get toasted. I'm predicting a steady rise in the nitrous, weed and crystal meth sales. And whatever; if the kids don't buy the shit we've got all weekend to get baked ourselves."
The correction was a welcome sign after last weekend's dropoff, which insiders are attributing to the worst Sucker scam in at least three months. From sources deep within Sacramento High School the Times has learned that the fraud was perpetrated on over 200 glittery, colorfully dressed teens when they purchased placebos from a 19-yearold dredlocked broker known only as Orb.
Fifteen-year old Abigail Braunstein, a/k/a Punky G-Tube, typified the lingering resentment among investors. "Yeah, I mean I gotta feel the Love, so I'm gonna have to buy some stuff. But like, we thought those Pez were 'e' last weekend, and people were tripping bigtime -- until some 18 year old came over and called us on it," said Braunstein, applying a second coat of glitter beneath her green lipstick. "It's almost as bad as that huge party at the state park when Orb got us all high off helium balloons and sold us dimebags of oregano before the cops sent us home."
Mr. Orb, who was passed out in the corner with about 100 cheetoes stuck in his dreadlocks, smelling vaguely of airplane glue, declined comment.
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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