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April 1, 1999
All US Media Giants, Plus Screw, Merge
Other Business ArticlesWall Street's Wild Ride Drug Markets Mellow After Placebo Scare New Magazine is So Crazy, It Just Might Work
By KERMIT LEFROG
EW YORK -- In a press conference today, the heads of Time-Warner, News Corp., Viacom, Advance Publications, Gannett, Hearst, Disney, Dreamworks SKG, TCI Communications and Screw Magazine announced that they were merging into one mega-company, tentatively titled "God."
"As of April 1, 1999, all of these companies will join together to act as one in pursuit of world domination," Gerald Levin, Rupert Murdoch, Summer Redstone, S.I. Newhouse, John Malone, Mike Ovitz, Jeff Katzenberg, and Al Goldstein said today in perfect unison. "We feel that ŒGod' represents the natural endpoint to the evolution of media as we know it. The company which we have created will soar to heights of synergy never before imagined," said the group, every member of which wore large conical hats in a display of unity.
Screw czar Goldstein is viewed by most as the junior partner in the new company. "Nothing could be further from the truth," said Ted Turner, who attended the conference via satellite hookup. "Interviews with Œshe-males' form one of the cornerstones of our worldwide strategy. And if that's what you want, you go to Al."
But perhaps the greatest shock came in a statement released later that afternoon. To take full advantage of the previously untthinkable economies of scale God will produce, it was announced that all media currently produced by the separate entities would cease immediately, to be replaced by the following: (1)The Magazine, a weekly collection of celebrity profiles, gossip, fashion, and capsule reviews of products offered by The Magazine's advertisers; (2) The TV Show, a 24-hour network featuring celebrity profiles, gossip, true-crime, news with a touch of humor and the paranormal, with sports scores and stock quotes crawling across the bottom of the screen; (3) The Newspaper, a single 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of
The conference, which was televised on all major networks and 50 cable channels, was a masterpiece of pomp, with the Waldorf's already-opulent meeting room sporting 20 foot likenesses of each bigwig. The organizational chart alone was nearly one hundred feet square. To top it off, the chorus of CEOs was accompanied by the entire London Symphony Orchestra, recently acquired by Mr. Murdoch in a poker game. "You ain't seen nothin' yet," said Goldstein. "I designed the company uniforms, and you can see everything."
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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