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April 1, 1999
Amnesty International Gives Thumbs-Up To Sweatshops
Other International ArticlesNew Chinese Stock Market Trades in...Chinese Swedes Seek Peace Through "War"
By MICHAEL ELLIS
ONDON -- In a joint announcement today, Amnesty International and UNICEF jointly called for an end to the worldwide boycott against so-called "sweatshops" -- crowded factories where young women and children are employed, often against their wills.
The decision to end the 13-year embargo came after the United Nations Trade Council released a new report, called "Sorry, It's All Been Vicious Anti-Capitalist Propaganda," which revealed that all major sweatshops had state-of-the-art climate control systems in place. The study found that, in the average sweatshop, fewer than 1% of all employees actually perspire during the workday.
"The boycott was founded on the belief that these children were sweating like pigs," said Theodore Hemings, the president of Amnesty International. Hastings sported a special sweatshirt in honor of the announcement, bearing a photo of him with a group of young soccer-ball stitchers being coerced into giving the thumbs-up sign. "We have now learned that everyone is nice and dry."
International sweatshop rings gave an audible sigh of relief after the boycott was lifted. "We have been racked with guilt," said Raj Chatterjee, the foreman of one of India's largest and most unfeeling kiddie rug-weaving combines. Ironically, sweatshop workers could actually be worse off with their bosses' new prosperity; the Head Thug of Japan's Yakimoto Sweatshop Ring, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that his plants would double production rates and halve salaries to children under 6 to accommodate the anticipated increase in orders. "The Yazuka is committed to providing the best clothing at the cheapest prices," he said, "We exploit individuals -- non-sweating individuals -- and pass the savings on to you!"
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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