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April 1, 1999
The Swedish Solution: Peace Through 'War'
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By MICHAEL SLOAN
EW YORK -- Sweden has done it again. Just three months after calling for reaffirmation of the 1927 Kellogg-Briand Peace Pact -- a long forgotten, hyperuseless accord condemning military force -- her delegation has proposed a radical new method of settling international disputes. The Swedes have called for all-out, total, pitiless "war."
The card game, that is.
"Yes, it is arbitrary, but that is what is necessitated," explained Ombud Gamlafjord before the General Assembly. You could correctly argue that ice is lavender until your face is blue. What if someone spilled a bit of ink? I'm sorry, I'm not being clear. What I'm saying is, everything is unique and relative and arguments are difficult to settle fairly. So take fairness out of the equation. 'Feed it to a walrus,' as we Swedes say. Let's settle things in a new, mildly entertaining way without worrying who's right."
A Bolivian delegate quickly rose to challenge this method of conflict resolution, pleading, "Why not 'Uno'? The people love the 'Uno' like maize." The Swedes rebutted that the slight degree of skill involved made that game unacceptable. They stressed the importance of a game of chance, fair to nations with even the lowest adult literacy rates. They also praised "war"s existential elements; Ombud proclaimed that, "When you flip over the card, you are at a moment of destiny. It is like a general charging into battle, certain only that he will live or die. The ultimate decision and the future of your country will not rest in your hands, but in a higher authority."
"Fair enough," said the Bolivian delegate.
According to the UN press office, an order for over 200 card tables, one for each member nation, will be delivered "early next week."
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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