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April 1, 1999
Giuliani Law Means 'Last Call' For Casual Sex
Other National ArticlesTown Mourns As Swing Dancing Turns Lethal Notorious Preschool of Americas Faces Closure
By JESUS C. SUPERSTAR
EW YORK, NY -- In yet another example of the anti-joie-de-vivre for which his Administration has become world-famous, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani revealed the latest, boldest initiative in his campaign to reshape New York City. "Effective at 6 p.m. today, casual sex -- in other words, nonprocreative intercourse outside the bounds of matrimony -- is forbidden throughout all five boroughs," the Mayor announced. "Now, Police Commissioner Safir will demonstrate what these new criminals can expect."
As the hastily-assembled press corps struggled to comprehend the ramifications of Giuliani's action, Commissioner Safir applied a taser to an unsuspecting city official, who emitted a strangled cry and fell to the floor, unconscious.
"And that's on 'low'," chuckled Safir. He later confirmed that the NYPD has standing orders to "shoot to neuter."
Questions were raised immediately about the new law's legality, which the Mayor dismissed testily. "I'm a former prosecutor. You let me worry about legality."
When asked if the ban extended to oral sex, Giuliani replied, "Absolutely. I think the recent Presidential scandal shows how destructive that can be. Anyway, sex is much too dangerous now to be undertaken for pleasure. Not only will this law stem the flood of STDs, we also foresee a drop in crimes of passion...Can't you people understand I'm doing this for your own good?"
In a brochure provided by the Mayor's Office, single New Yorkers are advised to ease the "difficult transition period" by taking frequent cold showers, doing calithenics, and "embracing healthful mental exercise. Why not learn a foreign language?"
Shocked by the hostility he felt even from the media professionals gathered at City Hall, the Mayor ended this astounding press conference by saying, "Look, I want to be clear: we're not saying casual sex is wrong, just illegal under most circumstances. We all had our fun back in the Sixties -- God knows I did -- but now it's time to grow up."
Needless to say, Giuliani's announcement was met with a storm of protest, including a really mean aritcle on Villagevoice.com. However, perhaps sensing the realities of power, the New York office of the American Civil Liberties Union immediately declared defeat. "We're moving to Jersey," said an ACLU spokeswoman. "We suggest you do the same."
Officials at the Port Authority predict a heavier-than-normal afternoon rush.
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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