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April 1, 1999
Born Free: Disney-led Venture to Distribute Free Infants
Other Technology ArticlesInternet is Fertile Soil for Barbara Walters' Death Hoax
By MICHAEL SHEAR
PASADENA, CA. -- Marketing products for children has always been simple -- kids see the toy, kids want the toy, and parents buy the toy to shut the kid up. But adults with no children remained just out of reach.
FreeInfant.com aims to change that quicker than a smelly diaper. This June, the shady Pasadena company will hand out 25,000 free newborns to childless adults. The new parents -- that is, the first 25,000 people to log on to FreeInfant.com -- can raise the children however they want, without having to deal with pregnancy, conception, and costly doctor bills.
So what's the catch? Every morning, parents must place their children in front of a half-hour of television commercials hawking FreeInfant.com's corporate partners' products. Then, parents will be faced with an age-old dilemma: close your ears, or open your wallet.
FreeInfant.com, a joint effort of Disney, Mattel, and a white-slavery ring based in Odessa, Ukraine, sees this as the next step in the evolution of marketing. "The free children are sort of a loss leader," explained FreeInfant.com founder Bill Bell. "You know, like a bowl of peanuts at a bar, or kickbacks you give teamsters." This is made possible by the plunging price of children thanks to economic instability in Eastern Europe, Africa, and Asia. Although he declined to quote a specific figure for each child, one Mattel employee indicated that the wholesale cost of these infants was in the "mid-two figures."
But others foresee both legal and moral problems for the operation. Says Evan Gross, a human rights advocate and editor of the newsletter American Naysayer: "If a large multinational gives you a child, is it really yours? Besides, if something is this evil, you know tobacco companies have to be involved."
Disney officials scoff at any legal concerns. "The law? I AM the law around here," said CEO Michael Eisner. He added that no one tells parents how to raise their children. "Raise 'em as Christians or Jews, it doesn't matter. Put 'em to work in the mines for all I care."
Analysts say this could be the start of a whole new philosophy of marketing. CIBA-Geigy, the makers of Ritalin, has slated their own teenager giveaway for the fall. And Taco Bell, a division of Pepsico, is planning a Fall '00 contest in which it gives a free stroller to the parents of any child whose first word is "gordita."
Some marketers see FreeInfant.com as nothing less than revolutionary. "Craven, sure, but revolutionary," said one. "It's a brave new world out there." Could genetic engineering be far behind? "Fat kids eat more," explained Bell. "We could engineer kids to be fatter. Imagine a world full of fat kids." Bell laughs. " -- and I'm the SOB holding the fudge!"
This website is a work of parody. Any similiarities to real people or events, without satiric intent, is coincidental.
Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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