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April 1, 1999
Thirty Years After McCartney, Barbara Walters Death Rumors Hard to Kill
Other Technology ArticlesDisney-led Venture to Distribute Free Infants
By ADRIAN BONENBERGER
YBERSPACE -- Defying substantial evidence to the contrary, rumors of Barbara Walters' death continue to swamp the Internet. Each new day brings new and different permutations on the same morbid idea. There's even a whole newsgroup devoted to the topic: alt.babs-walters/dead.
Begun last month by two college students as a malicious prank, Walters phantom demise -- from "an unseemly and fatal fit of apoplexy" -- was spread first by e-mail and web pages. A week later, after CNBC reported the rumor as fact and Lifetime even aired its hastily-constructed retrospective "Remembering Barbara: A Compassionate Legend," the prank achieved unstoppable momentum. Unfortunately, not everyone was laughing: many at those networks lost their jobs, after Barbara appeared to personally assure networks of her continued existence.
"We never meant for this thing to hurt anyone," stated Scott Richardsson, the mastermind of the prank. "Except Barbara. We meant to hurt Barbara." A junior at the University of Illinois, Richardsson and his friends developed a "hatred bordering on fanatical" for ABC's 20/20 mainstay.
"Everyone says she's TVs best interviewer, but she just sucked! Hey, Barbara, why don't you go suck on somebody else's TV?" added Rick Feeseldt, Richardsson's roommate and co-conspirator. Egged on by their success, the two have posted more and more grisly and baroque deaths for the anchorwoman. (The latest crop involve crows.)
For weeks, Walters has waged a partially-successful campaign of press statements and live television interviews to prove that she still lives. "I survived the seventies, 'Saturday Night Wive,' and my own absowute wack of any tawent. I wiw survive these scurriwous, unfounded attacks as weaw," said Walters.
But psychologists disagree, noting that the heartiness of such an obviously mistaken belief suggests that her career might end soon, if it has not already. "Obviously, a great number of Americans find the thought of a world without Barbara Walters appealing, which explains why the rumors of her death continue to proliferate," stated Hamilton Professor of Psychology Marvin Peudmet. "Unfortunately for Barbara, her career was based on the assumption that people would blindly accept that she was a competent journalist, rather than analyzing her abilities. Once people saw the memorials of her life, the question of whether or not she was still alive became immaterial -- people realized that they'd been had for all these years." Dr. Peudmet laughs. "I mean, 'Monica, what's phone sex?' Who could take her seriously after that?"
This website is a work of parody. Any similiarities to real people or events, without satiric intent, is coincidental.
Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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