Click here to subscribe to The Yale Record, the
oldest college humor magazine in all Christendom
The New York Tomes on
the Web  
NYC Weather
Rudy's Choice
FOUNDED APRIL 1, 1999 | Site Updated, Uh, Pretty Regularly
Site Index
Subscribe to The Yale Record

Wanna Buy An Ad?

What Do You Think?

Go to The Yale Record's Site

Giuliani To Ban Casual Sex
Flanked by Police Commissioner Howard Safir, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced harsh new penalties for "non-procreative intercourse" taking place in the five boroughs, effective noon today. Meanwhile, thousands of New Yorkers struggled to "squeeze one in" before the NYPD sweeps begin. Go to Article

to Close Preschool of the Americas
After years of pressure from human rights groups at home and abroad, the US may be closing its infamous training ground for little assassins, dictators and counter-revolutionaries. "Soon, the days of the peewee-sized genital grill will be over," said ex-President Jimmy Carter. Go to Article

Congress Says No More $$ for Schools
Both houses of Congress voted unanimously to end all federal funding of America's schools. Identical, harshly-worded bills flew through the House and Senate simultaneously, causing Senator Orrin Hatch to remark, "I haven't seen this kind of fanatical bipartisanship since we voted down Barney Frank's bill to replace Old Glory with the rainbow flag." Go to Article

Five years after the emergence of the Web, sleazy websites are still using sexy photos to drive traffic. Meanwhile, new government documents prove that the internet was origionally developed to provode free porno to teens in the event of nuclear war. Angry parents are invited to flame us.

GOP Endorses Anti-Swearing Bill

A Crazy Day for the Dow Almost Triggers Armageddon

Scientist Proves All Science "Wrong"

All US Media Giants Merge

Black 9736.08 268.68up
Free 2337.11 44.22up
Super 1275.47 28.83up
Open 398.01 3.99up
Meat 603.14 12.39up


It's Useless!!!

Wasn't That Fun?

'Disney-led Venture to Give Away Infants
If has its way, millions of tomorrow's children will be born free -- but damned expensive after that.

In a Tiny Hudson Town, Swing Turns Lethal
In started out as a simple fundraiser for the Debate Team. Now police in this sleepy Hudson town face the grim task of coming up with a new definition of manslaughter: death by dancepartner.

UNICEF, Amnesty International Call Sweatshops "OK By Us"
After a decade-long boycott, two of the world's leading humanitarian organizations finally give sweatshops lean bill of healh: "They're actually quite comfortable."

Holyfield-Lewis Judge Continues to Be Idiot
Jean Williams, the judge who astounded the boxing world with her, (in Don King's words) "moronity and dumbositude" by awarding Evander Holyfield a draw with Lenox Lewis, digs herself ever-deeper. Read this and add to her misery.

New Magazine for Lunatics Is So Crazy, It Just Might Work
Norman Mango is crazy...crazy like a fox! Backed by the deep pockets and empty head of a Brazilian tungsten king, he's set to launch The Bubbling Blueberry Eyeball, the first-ever magazine aimed at a long-neglcted niche: the insane!

Richard Mellon Scaife
Now that the Impeachment trial is over, we can get back to the real question: is the First Lady worse than Satan? "And how!" says this unhinged scion.

Swedes Propose Lasting Peace Through "War"
The Swedish delegation to the United Nations -- long since driven mad by that will o' the wisp called "Lasting Peace" -- have proposed a radical, mildly-entertaining method of conflict resolution. Meanwhile, experts warn of an arms race in playing cards.

On Internet, Barbara Walters is Still Dead
Defying substantial evidence to the contrary, rumors of Barbara Walters' death continue to infest the Internet like blowflies on rotting meat. On the newsgroup alt.babs-walters/dead, each post rings new changes on the same grisly idea, and the hoax gains credence in the fact-free minds of America's pinheads.

Drug Markets Mellow After Placebo Scare
After over 200 glittery, colorfully-dressed teens were sold oregano by a 19-year old dealer, analysts wondered if once-bitten meant twice-shy in the Sacramento recreational drug market. They needn't have worried: the bull has returned with a "radical vengeance, dude."

Buchanan Announces 2004 Presidential Bid
Already demoted to a protest vote for 2000, today stocky blow-hard Pat Buchanan threw his hat into the ring for 2004. However, with his unhealthy eating habits and sedentary lifestyle, some pundits predict he'll be dead by then. "I predict he'll choke to death trying to swallow Tim Russert whole," said George Will gravely.

Introducing, the Bangladesh Barons!
As the Chicago White Sox AA farm club begins its first season in South Asia, does it represent the way of the future, with overhead costs approaching zero, and an all-bamboo stadium? Or is this simply another vigorous buggering of baseball administered by owner Jerry Reinsdorf And what about malaria?

Police Brutality Begins At Home
It may be blaming the victim -- okay, it is -- but blaming the cops would just make them madder, and that's the last thing we want.



Lewinsky To Host 'SNL' 11:54 p.m. EST

Albright Continues to Look Old, Depressed 11:53 p.m. EST

Rudy and Hilary "Engaged"? 11:52 p.m. EST

Donor Gives Rat's Ass to Columbia 11:52 p.m. EST

Chelsea to Run of Pres of UC Berkeley 11:45 p.m. EST

Monkees Elected to Faux-Rock Hall of Fame 11:44 p.m. EST

UN to Build Monument: "Uncle!" 11:42 p.m. EST

Tupac Shakur Releases Another Album, Six Movies 11:41 p.m. EST

Critics, Insane, Call Teen Movie "Great" 11:41 p.m. EST

Dow Hits 10K, Greenspan Wins Office Pool 11:41 p.m. EST

World's Counterfeiters Say 'I''m OK, Euro-K' 11:41 p.m. EST

Drudge Says New GOP Budget Has Slush Fund for Beer 11:41 p.m. EST

CDC Announces New Tests For Nation's Blood 11:41 p.m. EST

Click here to subscribe to The Yale Record, the
oldest college humor magazine in all Christendom

Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
Privacy Information

This website is a work of parody. Any similiarities to real people or events, without satiric intent, is coincidental.