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April 1, 1999
Belligerent, Beefy Buchanan Announces Candidacy for 2004
Other Politix ArticlesGOP Tries to Criminalize Taking Lord's Name in Vain Congress Gleefully Ends Funding to Public Schools
By MICHAEL SHEAR
ONDA, IA -- Declaring "It's cheaper if you do it in bulk," conservative pundit/perennial candidate Pat Buchanan tossed his hat into the ring for the 2004 Republican Presidential nomination. The former host of CNN's "Picking on Mike Kinsley," who started his campaign for the 2000 only weeks ago, stated that his early start to should give him ample time to "rouse the rabble-rousers." "My message appeals to patriots, friends of the workingman, and anyone else who goes around mumbling to himself about Clinton and his uppity wife," said the candidate last night, speaking at a Buchanan fund-raiser at a Waffle House in tiny, underappreciated Fonda, Iowa.
With Buchanan playing the long game, other Republican hopefuls are feeling the heat. Brainy scion Steve Forbes announced that he will run in every election through at least 2016. "I'm not sure I'll ever win," Forbes said, "I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I don't go nuts like those DuPont boys." Also, if present trends continue, George W. Bush's sixteen-year-old son, George B. M. W. Bush, should be running for President by 2028.
Buchanan failed to get the nomination in 1992 and 1996 and, according to early polls, will fail again in 2000. Now, sources inside his campaign are worried about 2004. "His message might get lost in a five-year campaign," once source said on condition of anonymity. "And if he keeps losing, watch out for the Susan Lucci jokes."
Pundits disagree about the wisdom of Buchanan's decision. Former Christian Coalition head Ralph Reed thought that Buchanan's socially conservative message will only get stronger over the next half decade. "Political messages are like jingles. No matter how moronic it is, if you hear it long enough it will stick in your head." Others see a graver downside to Buchanan's early start. "Pat's not a svelte man," argued Mort Zuckerman on the CNN talk show Cavalcade of Spin. "and he sure likes his bacon cheesecake. I respect and admire Pat, but I think he'll have a really massive heart attack -- the kind you can hear -- long before November 2004."
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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