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April 1, 1999
Nation's Dopey Kids Finally Thrown Off Gravy Train
Other Politix ArticlesBuchanan Announces Candidacy for 2004 GOP Moves to Criminalize Taking Lord's Name in Vain
By STEPHEN FISHBACH
ASHINGTON, D.C. -- Many saw the end coming, but few thought it would be so sudden. Or brutal.
Today, both houses of Congress voted unanimously to end all federal funding of America's schools. Identical, harshly-worded bills flew through the House and Senate simultaneously, being drafted, proposed and adopted in record time. "I haven't seen this kind of fanatical bipartisanship since we voted down Mr. Frank's bill to replace Old Glory with the rainbow flag," said Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.
"We tried bilingual education, we tried monolingual education, we tried altering the tests. Nothing works. We've come to the hard realization that U.S. kids are just lazy and stupid," Sen. Paul Wellstone, D-Minn, said. "We've decided to spend our money on a better investment."
The Senate passed the bill by a vote of 99-0. "The Republicans have chosen the path of partisanship and division," Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash., said. "But I voted for the bill anyway. The kids in my district are dumb as sticks."
The House vote was 420-0.
"We think there are better hopes for the future than the indolent brats clogging our nationıs schools," House Republican Randall Cunningham said. "Maybe something like robots, who will fill the jobs that our kids would have filled if they weren't such sociopaths."
Bob Chase, president of the National Education Association, the nation's largest teachers' union, said his members uniformly support the measure. "We're hoping to get jobs programming the robots," Chase said.
President Clinton is expected to sign the bill into law as soon as it is presented to him. "I've been reconsidering the bridge to the 21st century," Clinton said in a statement. "I think I would rather have it built by hyper-smart machines than by the clumsy hands of our defective, obsolete whelps."
The bill would free up over $300 billion in government funds, which is "way more than we'd need to develop the robots," Sen. Robert F. Bennett, R-Utah, said.
The Senate voted for a rider attached to the bill granting each Senator a $1 million pay raise.
The only vocal opponent of the bill was Texas Governor George W. Bush, whose name may sound familiar because his father used to be president. "This is wrong, just wrong," Bush said. But Capitol Hill smells in Bushıs harsh words the pungent odor of sour grapes. Said Senator Christopher J. Dodd, D-CT, "Junior's just bitter because education was his big campaign platform."
As the schools close, the nation's youth are expected to take to vandalism and looting. Police expect them to display the same incompetence and lack of initiative as before, but in case they don't, Representative Cunningham is prepared: "If worst comes to worst, we can always invent some robot policemen."
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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