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April 1, 1999
Republicans Declare Taking Lord's Name in Vain A Federal Crime
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By STEPHEN FISHBACH
ASHINGTON, DC -- Powerful Republicans have introduced new legislation into both the House and the Senate today, calling for the criminalization of taking the Lord's name in vain. Initial drafts of the bills classify the offense as a federal crime, punishable by stoning.
Employing strategies of reverse psychology seldom used in politics, GOP leaders have decided to "give the People want they DON'T want" -- that is, more hard-line ideological standoffs. "This isn't posturing; it's good old fashioned zealotry, just like Mom used to make," Republican Representative Steve Largent said. "It's 100% ideologically sound -- look in the Bible. You better read it, before it's too late."
"God says 'Thou shalt not kill', so what do we do with killers? We kill them," Republican Representative Randall Cunningham said. "God also says 'Thou shalt not take My Name in vain.' Obviously, we should kill people who do that, too, simply to be consistent. Some people ask me, "Where do you draw the line?' The answer is, 'You can't, so start killin'.'"
There was only scattered dissent within the Republican ranks. "I do not think the measure is appropriate at this time," Texas Governor and presidential hopeful George W. Bush said. "While I do support the measure with all my soul, I feel that America does not have the right heart for it. If I'm elected, I will look into heart-transplants for every American. Maybe baboon hearts, because I think there are a lot of baboons out there who support this measure."
Protests by the ACLU and other groups intent on going to Hell began immediately after the bills were introduced. However, Republicans have a ready response for those who claim the legislation violates freedom of religion. "We're not saying it's just the Christian God whose name you can't take in vain," Sen. Jesse Helms, R-NC said. "It's whatever faith you are. If you're Hindi, then you can't take Allah's name in vain. And if you're Muslim, then saying Ganesh damn it!¹ or 'Vishnu H. Christ' would be a no-no."
President Clinton has already promised to veto the legislation in the off-chance that it actually makes it to his desk. As a result, his popularity has become too high to be measured by conventional instruments. When told of this, Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition said, "President Clinton should enjoy his Fool's Paradise while it lasts. Satan will fry his tallywhacker in the Bad Place for all eternity -- that's off-the-record, of course."
So even though the bills have little chance of ever becoming law, proponents remain undaunted. "I feel that even if there is never another member of the GOP in either house, I should stick to my guns on this issue," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R -UT) said. "The public will come around eventually."
Still, Republicans are baffled by the furor they've aroused. "I mean, come on people, it was GOD who said this, right? It wasn't just some random Joe. It was, you know, the big guy," Largent said.
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Copyright 1999 The Yale Record
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