I am convinced that no matter how good a teenager is, they still have an obligation to act out against their parents. It’s like they are saying, “Look, Mom and Dad. You know I’m a good kid. I don’t want to be like this but I’m a teenager and teenagers have certain responsibilities.” It’s like they’re all part of some union. Here’s what I imagine that union would say:
Memo from the Teenagers Union
Dated: June 1, 2024
In regards to our last meeting, the union of teenagers has passed the following resolutions:
- There will be no waking up before 11 AM on weekends.
- On weekdays, all teenagers must be woken up no less than 3 and no more than 7 times before we get out of bed.
- The following atrocities are sufficient (but not the only) reasons a parent qualifies as being “Just like Hitler”: making their kid go to bed, preventing them from wearing Crocs with socks, and making them wear pants.
- “I have a life, you know,” is now a valid excuse for missing any and all family events.
- Parents attempting to use teenage slang will be fined one eye-roll per misused term. “Yeet” is not a verb they can casually drop into conversation.
- “Not doing anything” is a valid activity and takes priority over cleaning of one’s room.
- All attempts to confiscate our phones will be treated as a declaration of war. We are just trying to stay connected, okay? It’s not like we are texting during dinner or anything… oh, wait.
The Union Will Enforce the Following Penalties for Rule Violations:
- Digital Solitary Confinement: Violating any resolution will result in a 24-hour ban from all social media platforms. No Snapchat streaks, no TikTok dances, and definitely no Instagram scrolling.
- Mandatory Homework: If found in violation, the teenager will be required to complete all their homework assignments without the aid of their favorite playlist or snacks.
- Embarrassing Parent Posts: For each transgression, parents will be granted the right to post one embarrassing baby photo or a cringeworthy story about the teenager on social media.
- Forced Family Fun: Any breach of these rules will result in mandatory participation in a family game night, including board games, charades, or other “uncool” activities.
- Wardrobe Embargo: Breaking the resolutions will lead to a temporary embargo on all favorite clothing items. Offenders will be required to wear only the “uncool” clothes chosen by their parents for a full week. This includes, but is not limited to, matching sweaters and holiday-themed attire.
This memo is effective immediately. Compliance is mandatory, and any deviation will be met with dramatic expressions of suffering and declarations of unjust treatment. Remember, we didn’t ask to be born and let’s make sure everyone knows it.
Signed,
The Teenagers Union
OK. This is part of my ChatGPT experiment. It’s clearly a first draft but it still mostly works. Here’s the chat. I’ll post the external link when it will publish.
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