For ADHD, I’ve found it helpful to think through some things as an existential therapist. I’ve used the following prompt:
You are an existential therapist focused on treating people with ADHD. Let’s think about the key lessons in Oliver burkeman’s books 4000 weeks and mediation for mortals. What are the key lessons for ADHD patients?
Or some version of this, as it’s slightly different.
Why “You’re Not Living Up to Your Potential” Hurts Like a Bitch
December 5, 2025
There’s a particular sentence that lands like a brick to the sternum if you have ADHD. It often comes from well-meaning parents, teachers, bosses, spouses—the people who genuinely want the best for you.
“You’re not living up to your potential.”
Ah yes. Potential. My favorite imaginary friend.
If you don’t have ADHD, this phrase just sounds motivational, like something a guidance counselor would write on a sticky note. But if you do have ADHD, that sentence hits a very sensitive existential pressure point. It confirms the internal fear that you’ve somehow mismanaged the entirety of your life, even though you can’t remember half of it.
The Life You Lived but Didn’t Feel
One of ADHD’s cruelest tricks is this: you can actually do things—good, meaningful, impressive things—and still fail to experience the emotional weight of having done them.
It’s not that the memories are gone; it’s that the brain doesn’t highlight them the way it highlights the failures. Accomplishments slip off the mental whiteboard before they can congeal into a sense of identity.
So when someone tells you you’re not living up to your potential, what you hear is: “You have no idea what you’ve done with your life, and honestly, neither do we.”
It feels like being accused of wasting something you’re not even sure you had.
ADHD Time Is Not Human Time
ADHD time is its own existential joke. For neurotypicals, time is a sequence; for ADHD brains, it’s a pancake—flat, undifferentiated, and a little soggy around the edges.
Ten years ago might as well be last Tuesday. That project you completed? The kid you raised? The crises you navigated? All filed under “miscellaneous.”
Because the past doesn’t feel cumulative, accomplishments don’t add up to a lived narrative. They don’t land. You don’t get a sense of momentum.
So the idea of “potential” becomes a cosmic accusation: something you should have built with all that time you apparently didn’t use.
But the truth is: you did use it. You just can’t feel the trail behind you.
The Infinite Horizon Problem
Here’s the existential kicker: ADHD brains are incredibly good at imagining futures. Not just one future—all the futures. The multiverse of things you could do if the stars aligned and the dopamine showed up on time.
And because you can imagine these shimmering possibilities, reality always feels like the underachieving cousin.
Your potential isn’t an encouragement. It’s a ghost. A doppelgänger who is always a few steps ahead: more focused, more accomplished, more together. A version of you that wakes up early and doesn’t spend the afternoon reorganizing the apps on their phone.
So when someone says you’re not living up to your potential, it reinforces the sense that you’re forever losing a race against your own imaginary self.
No wonder it hurts like a bitch.
The Unfinished Symphony
People with ADHD are legendary starters. We launch. We brainstorm. We reinvent the wheel because we lost the first one.
And while this creativity is powerful, it leaves behind a long tail of “almosts” and “not quites.” Even the things you finish often feel unfinished because you can see a dozen ways they could have been better with a little more time, support, or cosmic intervention.
So you end up with a life full of beautiful fragments.
From the outside: “You’ve done so much!”
On the inside: “I see all the parts I dropped.”
That’s the moment when “not living up to your potential” digs in its elbow and twists.
The Existential Punchline
Here’s what I’ve come to believe, both as someone who thinks a lot about meaning and as someone who has filed “potential” under “will revisit someday” for most of my adult life:
Your potential is not a moral contract.
It is not a countdown timer.
And it is not a debt you owe the universe.
It’s just possibility—raw material. Nothing more.
What hurts isn’t the potential itself. What hurts is the assumption that there is a correct version of your life airing on another channel and you’re somehow watching the blooper reel.
ADHD makes you forget the real story, flatten the timeline, lose the evidence, misread the script, and then blame yourself for not landing the ending.
But here’s the truth underneath it all: you are not the absence you feel. You’re not the ghost of your potential. You are the person who has been quietly, imperfectly, brilliantly making a life—with the brain you have, in the world you’re in.
And honestly? That’s enough.
When the ADHD Brain Worships Its Labels
December 5, 2025
Everyone does this—takes some idea, role, relationship, or routine and quietly turns it into something to worship. Something that feels like: If I lose this, I lose myself.
But the ADHD brain doesn’t just flirt with this move.
It takes it to the extreme.
A label lands and—bam—it becomes truth:
- “This routine will save me.”
- “This relationship is my stability.”
- “If I’m not productive, I’m nothing.”
- “If someone’s upset, I’ve failed.”
It’s not the thing we’re reacting to; it’s the label.
The label becomes the life.
The Internal Guide That Breaks the Spell
The passage you shared says:
When we trust our internal guide, we stop confusing the things we cling to with the source we’re actually seeking.
ACT calls that internal guide self-as-context—the part of you that notices the label instead of bowing to it.
When you take one step back, you can see the old pattern:
“Oh. My brain is worshipping this story again.”
“Oh. I’ve turned this person/role/task into my oxygen.”
And suddenly it softens.
The worship ends.
The thing becomes just a thing again.
Through, Not From
The line I keep returning to:
The source meets our needs through people, places, and things—not in them.
That’s the whole shift.
Productivity isn’t your worth.
A relationship isn’t your identity.
A routine isn’t salvation.
They’re channels, not sources.
When the ADHD brain stops worshipping its labels, life gets a lot lighter—and intimacy gets a lot less terrifying.
Short Version
Everyone worships their labels sometimes. ADHD just does it faster and with higher stakes. ACT helps us step back far enough to see the label for what it is—and let it go.
Start of Burkeman Posts
December 14th, 2025. Without understanding it correctly, an ADHD mind interprets every new idea as an existential life task. But that’s not really what the primary life task of someone with ADHD really is. That’s not exactly what this post is about but it’s close.
Leveraging Day 10 of Oliver Burkeman.
The Life Task and the Wandering Mind
Carl Jung crouched behind a bush and heard his father’s despair—”The doctors no longer know what is wrong with him”—and in that moment, he found his life task. He went to his study, opened his Latin grammar, and began to work. The fainting fits returned, but he persisted. Eventually they ceased.
I read this story to my clients with ADHD, and I watch something flicker across their faces. Not inspiration. Recognition. And then, almost immediately, grief.
Because they’ve had that moment too. Many times. The moment where the life task reveals itself, where they know—with perfect certainty—what needs to be done. They’ve felt that same thunderstruck recognition. They’ve opened the grammar book, the business plan, the half-finished novel.
And then, unlike Jung, they’ve watched it dissolve.
The Desperate Search
A life task asks for patience, continuity, and trust that today’s effort is connected to tomorrow’s meaning. But the ADHD mind lives in a world of urgency, where only what is immediate feels real. When attention slips and memory fragments, it’s not just tasks that get lost—it’s the narrative thread itself. Without that thread, it’s hard to believe there is a life task at all, rather than just a series of moments you’re desperately trying not to drop.
And yet people with ADHD are often desperately searching for their life task. They’re constantly opening new doors, starting new projects, pursuing new passions with an intensity that looks like restlessness or lack of commitment.
But that’s not what it is.
Each new interest carries a profound hope: maybe this is it, maybe this will finally make sense of me. When it fades, it’s not just a loss of motivation. It’s a small existential loss, reinforcing the most painful fear: that the problem isn’t the task. It’s the self.
The story “I haven’t found my life task yet” hardens into a verdict. Evidence accumulates: the abandoned projects, the interrupted enthusiasms, the résumé that looks scattered. The internal narrative becomes: I’m the kind of person who can’t commit. Who doesn’t follow through. Who will never do the one thing they’re meant to do.
Loosening the Grip
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy teaches us to hold our thoughts more lightly—to see “I haven’t found my life task yet” as a story the mind is telling, not a truth about reality.
And here’s what matters for someone with ADHD: meaning doesn’t have to be remembered perfectly or pursued consistently to be real.
Values—unlike goals or tasks—don’t expire when attention wanders. You can return to them a thousand times and they still count. You can forget you cared about kindness, or creativity, or connection, and then remember again, and the remembering isn’t starting over. It’s returning.
ACT also shifts the temporal frame. Instead of asking “Is this my life task?”—a question that requires surveying an entire lifetime—we ask:
Does this move me a little closer to the kind of person I want to be, right now?
Not over a lifetime. Not as part of some grand coherent plan. Right now.
That move might be small. It might be unfinished. It might be temporary. And it’s still meaningful.
For minds that struggle with continuity, meaning has to be available in the moment, or it won’t be available at all.
Making Room for the Grief
ACT also makes room for the grief and dread that come with this territory.
Existential fear isn’t a signal to abandon the path. It’s often the cost of caring. When you care about building something that lasts, and your neurology makes that harder than it is for others, of course there’s grief.
ACT doesn’t try to eliminate these feelings. It teaches us to notice them, make room for them, and keep walking anyway.
When ADHD pulls you off course—and it will—the practice isn’t to judge the detour. It’s to notice it, gently turn back toward your values, and keep walking. Without needing the road to look straight or permanent.
What Reality Wants
Carl Jung’s life task emerged from his particular circumstances: a father in despair, a future at risk, a grammar book within reach. Oliver Burkeman emphasizes this: a life task emerges from “whatever your life circumstances are.”
If your life circumstances include ADHD, then your life task isn’t the same as Jung’s.
Your life task might not be to push through difficulty with sustained focus. It might be to learn how to return. Again and again. To practice the art of beginning without shame. To build systems that catch you when you fall out of the narrative, rather than systems that require you never to fall.
Your life task might be to stop waiting for the kind of continuity other people have, and to make meaning with the mind you actually possess.
That’s not a lesser task. It requires more courage—because you have to keep choosing meaning without the reassurance that it will stick, without the certainty that tomorrow-you will remember why today-you cared.
So what does your life want?
Maybe it wants you to stop trying to be Jung, hearing the call and never wavering.
Maybe it wants you to be someone who hears the call, forgets it, remembers it again, starts something else entirely, circles back, loses the thread, finds a different thread, and keeps going anyway.
Maybe your life task isn’t to find the one great coherent thing and stick with it. Maybe it’s to keep returning to what matters, in whatever form it takes today, with whatever attention you have available, and to count that—all of it—as building something real.
Not despite the wandering. Through it.
Cut from ~1,800 to ~1,100 words. Tighter pace, less repetition, same emotional core.
Absolutely. Here’s a draft of “ADHD Isn’t a Time Problem. It’s a Meaning Problem.” written in your preferred style:
ADHD Isn’t a Time Problem. It’s a Meaning Problem.
It’s easy to believe that ADHD is, at its core, a scheduling issue. That if we just found the right planner, or downloaded the right app, or followed the right YouTube productivity guru, we could finally get on top of things. The implication—sometimes whispered, sometimes shouted—is that we’re simply managing time poorly.
But for many people with ADHD, that’s not quite it. Yes, we lose track of time. We miss appointments. We abandon laundry halfway through and discover it three days later in a sour-smelling heap. But underneath all of that isn’t just distraction. It’s disconnection.
We’re not struggling to manage time so much as we’re struggling to find traction—the emotional grip that tells us something matters enough to begin, and the inner compass that helps us continue once the novelty wears off.
This isn’t laziness. It’s not a lack of ambition or intelligence. If anything, ADHD brains are often bursting with ideas—too many, in fact. The challenge isn’t starting from nothing. The challenge is choosing one thing to start with, in a world that always seems to demand something else. And when that thing doesn’t feel meaningful—when it seems arbitrary, repetitive, or disconnected from purpose—our attention quietly slips through the cracks.
ADHD, then, often feels less like a problem of time, and more like a chronic state of disorientation. We want to do the thing. We may even know how to do the thing. But unless it feels real—unless there’s a clear emotional or moral “why” attached—it can feel impossible to summon the will to begin. And that gap between knowing and doing is where shame creeps in.
Of course, life doesn’t always cater to meaning. There are forms to fill out, dishes to wash, taxes to file. And in those moments, we often feel doubly at fault—not only for struggling with the task itself, but for being the kind of person who can’t just grit their teeth and power through like everyone else seems to.
But perhaps the issue isn’t that ADHD people can’t engage. It’s that we’re wired to care deeply, and when that care isn’t activated, we flounder. We drift. Not because we don’t want to succeed, but because our minds are constantly scanning for connection—for alignment between effort and inner value.
This is why certain tasks—those that feel urgent, novel, or emotionally resonant—can light us up. We can work for hours without noticing hunger or fatigue. We aren’t avoiding responsibility in general; we’re avoiding tasks that feel hollow, disconnected from our sense of self or purpose. It’s not procrastination in the traditional sense—it’s an existential mismatch.
And while yes, this mismatch can wreak havoc on daily life, it also reveals something quietly dignified: a refusal to run on autopilot. An unwillingness to perform life by rote. ADHD minds are often seeking more than efficiency—they’re seeking meaning. We just rarely get the permission to admit it.
So what do we do with this?
We start by dropping the fantasy that one more lifehack will finally “fix” us. And instead, we start listening to what our resistance is trying to tell us. Not every task will be meaningful. But perhaps more of our life could be, if we stop forcing ourselves to function like everyone else.
Maybe, for the ADHD brain, the path forward isn’t about beating time. Maybe it’s about following meaning—learning how to recognize it, prioritize it, and anchor ourselves to it when everything else feels slippery.
Because when something matters, we can pay attention. We do show up. We care, often more than most people realize. The goal, then, isn’t to become more productive. It’s to build a life that feels worth attending to.
And from there, time has a way of taking care of itself.
Hyperfocus Is Not Flow. It’s Survival.
Hyperfocus gets romanticized a lot in ADHD conversations. It’s often presented as a kind of superpower: the ability to sink into a task so deeply that the rest of the world fades away. And in fairness, it can be thrilling. There’s a kind of time-suspending magic in those moments when everything else—emails, hunger, even the need to pee—just disappears.
But if you live with ADHD, you know that hyperfocus doesn’t always feel like a gift. Sometimes it feels like falling down a well. Sometimes it’s not flow—it’s a form of survival.
The psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described flow as an optimal state of consciousness: you’re immersed, challenged, alert but calm. You’re choosing to engage. It’s intentional. You can leave when you want to.
Hyperfocus is different. It doesn’t always ask for permission. It grabs hold of your attention and refuses to let go. You might miss meals. You might ignore pain. You might lose hours or even days to something you didn’t really mean to spend that much time on. And afterward, instead of a sense of mastery, you may be left with exhaustion—or regret.
For people with ADHD, hyperfocus isn’t about being “in the zone.” It’s often about clinging to any zone where the noise in your head goes quiet. In a world where everything feels scattered and overwhelming, that kind of mental tunnel vision can be the only relief. Not because the task is especially joyful or worthy, but because, for once, it feels possible.
It’s no coincidence that hyperfocus often shows up under pressure. When the deadline is hours away. When your job’s on the line. When you’ve been avoiding something for weeks and the consequences are closing in. In those moments, the ADHD brain doesn’t become “productive”—it becomes cornered. Hyperfocus becomes a coping mechanism, a last-ditch effort to escape the shame of not having started sooner.
And yet, we’re often praised for it. Admired, even. “Wow, when you really apply yourself…” they say, as if this proves we could do it all the time, if we just tried hard enough.
But that’s like applauding someone for lifting a car off a child and asking why they can’t do it again on command. What you’re witnessing isn’t discipline. It’s adrenaline. And it comes at a cost.
This isn’t to say hyperfocus is all bad. In some contexts—creative work, complex problem solving, even certain kinds of caregiving—it can be a powerful tool. But it’s important to name it for what it is. Not flow. Not a hidden edge. Just another way an overwhelmed brain tries to cope with a world that doesn’t feel built for it.
The real goal isn’t to chase more hyperfocus. It’s to build a life where you don’t have to rely on it. Where you can work steadily, imperfectly, in ways that feel humane. Where attention isn’t a crisis response, but something you can offer with gentleness and choice.
Because being able to disappear into a task isn’t proof of your worth. What matters more is the life you return to when you come up for air—and whether it’s one you chose on purpose.
You Are Allowed to Be Boring
There’s a quiet pressure that follows many people with ADHD. Sometimes it sounds like a compliment: You’re so creative. You think differently. You’re never boring. And of course, on good days, that feels like a badge of honor. We pride ourselves on our curiosity, our humor, our ability to connect unexpected dots. Life with an ADHD brain is often interesting—intensely so.
But underneath that compliment, there’s often an unspoken burden:
You must always be interesting.
You must always be remarkable.
You must never be still.
And so, we perform. We overcommit. We chase novelty. We lean into chaos because at least it’s vivid, at least it feels alive. Boredom becomes the enemy. Simplicity starts to feel like failure. And slowly, without even realizing it, we start to believe that our worth is tied to how engaging we are—how fast, how funny, how unusual.
But here’s the thing: life isn’t a TED talk. It’s not a highlight reel. And you are allowed—truly allowed—to be boring.
You are allowed to answer “not much” when someone asks what you’ve been up to.
You are allowed to have a Tuesday that looks a lot like last Tuesday.
You are allowed to cook the same meal again. To reread the same book. To wear the same shirt, not because you’re making a minimalist statement, but because it’s clean and it fits.
This may not sound revolutionary, but for many ADHD folks, it is. We often grow up praised for our spark but punished for our pacing. We’re expected to dazzle, but not to drift. And so we internalize the idea that if we’re not extraordinary, we’re nothing at all.
That’s a hard way to live.
The truth is, “boring” is often just another word for steady. For regulated. For okay. And yes, sometimes we chafe against that—especially when our minds crave intensity. But often, the parts of life that look boring from the outside are the ones that quietly nourish us. Routines. Sleep. Long walks. Deep friendships. The gentle rhythm of showing up, not for applause, but because something matters enough to return to it.
Of course, boredom does visit the ADHD brain. It can feel unbearable at times, like a kind of existential itch we can’t quite reach. But trying to outrun boredom with constant stimulation only exhausts us. The trick, if there is one, isn’t to eliminate boredom—it’s to stop confusing it with failure.
You are not boring just because you didn’t reinvent yourself today.
You are not boring because your life is quiet right now.
You are not boring because you need rest, or repetition, or repair.
Sometimes, the most radical thing you can do is let yourself be unremarkable—and still believe you’re enough.
The Tyranny of Potential
There’s also some stuff in this chat
There’s a certain kind of praise that doesn’t feel like a compliment. It sounds warm, generous, even proud. And for a while, you might believe it’s meant to lift you up.
“You have so much potential.”
It’s the kind of sentence teachers say with a smile, parents say with hope, and bosses say in performance reviews just before assigning more work. But for many of us—especially those with ADHD—it becomes something else entirely. Not encouragement. Not belief. But a quiet, chronic pressure. A measure you are always failing to meet.
Because potential isn’t a compliment when it becomes a contract.
The problem with potential
Potential is slippery. It doesn’t mean who you are. It means who you could be. It’s a forecast, a future, a version of you that might arrive someday, if you can just get your act together. And when you live with a brain that’s inconsistent, distractible, or flooded with ideas that don’t make it past the planning stage, “potential” stops feeling aspirational. It starts feeling accusatory.
You could have been brilliant by now.
You should be doing more.
You were supposed to be something.
And the worst part is, you agree.
You see the ideas. The patterns. The glimmers of insight at 2 a.m. when everyone else is asleep and your brain finally clicks into place. You know you’re capable of more—because you’ve touched it, briefly, in fits and starts. But the gap between what you glimpse and what you can sustain feels enormous. And that gap becomes shame.
Not just “I haven’t done it yet,” but “Maybe I never will.”
When praise becomes pressure
People rarely mean harm when they talk about your potential. In fact, they usually mean the opposite. But when you hear it enough, it starts to feel like an obligation. Like a reputation you haven’t earned, but now have to uphold. And when your executive function won’t cooperate—when you can’t start, or can’t finish, or can’t even remember what you meant to do—you begin to feel like a fraud.
The praise curdles into guilt.
The expectations become a weight.
And instead of moving forward, you freeze.
This is the hidden tyranny of potential: it keeps you locked in an imaginary future, always measuring yourself against a version of you who never forgets appointments, never misses deadlines, never panics at 4 p.m. because they haven’t eaten or started the thing they were supposed to finish yesterday.
That person haunts you. And no matter how much you grow, it never feels like enough.
So what’s the alternative?
Start here: What if your potential doesn’t need to be fulfilled?
Not in the way you were taught. Not as a promise to others, or a project to complete. What if potential isn’t a path with a finish line—but a direction? A signal of what matters to you. Of where you come alive.
Maybe your “so much potential” wasn’t about becoming impressive. Maybe it was about becoming aligned—living in closer and closer orbit to what you actually care about.
That might not look like achievement. It might look like boundaries. Like choosing rest instead of perfection. Like writing one honest paragraph instead of finishing a book in a weekend.
Maybe you don’t need to live up to your potential.
Maybe you just need to live—deliberately, gently, as yourself.
And maybe that’s what your potential was pointing to all along.
Building a Life That Doesn’t Rely on Superpowers
Why Hyperfocus Can’t Be the Plan (Even If It’s Amazing)
Most people who don’t have ADHD are fascinated by the idea of hyperfocus. Wait—you’re saying sometimes you get so absorbed in something that the rest of the world disappears? That sounds incredible.
And it is. It’s the rush of the puzzle clicking into place, the writing flowing like a faucet you forgot you turned on, the chore that turns into a five-hour organizational masterpiece. You forget to eat, you forget to check your phone, you even forget—briefly—that time exists. You are, for all practical purposes, a superhero.
Until you’re not.
Because the thing no one talks about in the TED Talk version of hyperfocus is that it’s unreliable. You don’t get to call it up on command. It doesn’t arrive just because you want it to—or even because you need it to. It just shows up when it wants to, like an eccentric artist friend who only visits when they’re in the mood to rearrange your furniture and then vanish before helping clean up.
And if you’ve built your life around that friend showing up? Things tend to fall apart.
The Problem With Being Brilliant—Sometimes
One of the cruelest things about ADHD is that sometimes you can do it all. You have those magical, wildly productive days where your brain locks in, your ideas are sharp, and you feel like your best self. And because those days are real—not imagined—you start to believe they should be the standard.
You build your expectations around them. You plan like they’re always going to happen. And when they don’t?
You blame yourself.
You tell yourself you just didn’t try hard enough. That if you were more disciplined, more organized, more together, today could have been another one of those days.
It’s a heartbreaking bait-and-switch: the brain that occasionally gives you superpowers also convinces you that anything less is failure.
The Loneliness of Living for Peak Performance
There’s another side to this, one that’s harder to admit. When hyperfocus becomes the only time you feel competent, it can get…lonely. You start to crave the solitude and intensity that come with it. You start to prefer the version of you that only exists in those moments. Relationships, needs, interruptions—they all start to feel like threats to the zone.
Eventually, you begin to structure your life around defending the conditions that might bring hyperfocus back. You isolate. You avoid commitments. You stop starting things unless you feel the surge coming on.
In other words: the pursuit of peak performance becomes a kind of trap. One that looks like motivation on the outside, but feels like fear on the inside.
Building a Life That Doesn’t Collapse Without the Surge
So what’s the alternative?
It starts with this: Don’t build a life that depends on superpowers.
Build one that can be lived gently, inconsistently, with enough margin for the days when your brain feels like static. Build routines that don’t punish you for being human. Build relationships that can hold your unevenness without making you feel small.
This doesn’t mean giving up on big goals. It just means refusing to hinge your self-worth on whether today happens to be a “good brain day.”
Let the Good Days Surprise You
You can still welcome hyperfocus when it shows up. You can still ride the wave. But maybe it doesn’t have to be the plan.
Maybe the plan is to show up. To make the next small decision. To do the tiny, unglamorous thing that moves the story forward.
And when the magic arrives? Let it surprise you. Let it add to a life that’s already good—not rescue one that feels like it’s always falling short.
Because you’re not a superhero. You’re a person. And people—especially people with tangled, beautiful, nonlinear brains—deserve a life that works on the ordinary days, too.
When Focus Becomes a Trap
The Myth of the Productive Self and the Quiet Work of Letting Go
If you’ve ever experienced hyperfocus, you know what I mean when I say it feels like being exactly the person you always hoped you’d be.
Everything aligns. You’re immersed, absorbed, lit up. The to-do list is no match for this version of you. You work with a kind of clarity and energy that seems to operate outside of time. Tasks fall away behind you like dominoes. You don’t need reminders or timers or systems—you are the system.
And then one day—often the very next day—that person is gone.
You’re back to wandering the kitchen in your socks, forgetting what you meant to do. You open a document, read the same sentence five times, and realize your brain is on strike. You feel clumsy, foggy, scattered.
The contrast is brutal.
It’s not just frustrating. It’s destabilizing. Because the version of you that shows up in hyperfocus doesn’t feel like a bonus—it feels like the real you. Which makes everything else feel like a failure.
The Subtle Trap of Super-You
There’s a dangerous logic that creeps in once you’ve tasted hyperfocus:
If I could just stay in that state more often, I’d finally be the person I’m meant to be.
It makes a certain kind of emotional sense. Who wouldn’t want to bottle that feeling?
So we start building our days around trying to summon it. We tweak our tools, our spaces, our playlists. We delay starting tasks until we “feel ready,” because why begin in a fog when you might hit the zone later and do it all ten times faster?
But here’s the trap: hyperfocus can’t be the plan. It’s unpredictable. It doesn’t show up when summoned. And chasing it too hard turns it into just another standard we fail to meet.
We go from chasing the work to chasing the feeling of doing the work well—and that distinction, while subtle, can quietly derail our entire relationship to ourselves.
Distraction Isn’t the Enemy
A lot of ADHD advice focuses on how to resist distractions. And sure, that has its place. But sometimes I wonder if the deeper issue isn’t distraction at all. It’s disappointment.
It’s what happens after the distraction—when you come back to your task and find that the spark is gone. When you realize that whatever was animating you yesterday is nowhere to be found today.
You’re not just off-task. You feel off-script. As if the person you thought you were becoming has quietly left the room.
That’s where the shame creeps in—not from being distracted, but from feeling like the distraction revealed some kind of truth: that you can’t do it after all, that yesterday was a fluke, that this version of you is the real one, and it’s not good enough.
What If It Wasn’t a Fluke?
But what if that wasn’t true?
What if both versions of you are real? The one who writes for five hours straight without looking up, and the one who spends an afternoon rearranging browser tabs and forgetting why they’re open. What if being capable isn’t about erasing the foggy days, but learning to include them in your self-respect?
Hyperfocus is a gift, yes. But it’s also a distortion. It makes you believe that your worth lives only in that electric zone of peak performance. That your job is to get back there at any cost.
But the truth is, the cost is often too high. Because in chasing Super-You, you start abandoning Present-You.
And that version of you—the one who feels slow today, scattered, out of step—is the only one actually here. The only one available to start, to try, to take the next imperfect step.
A Different Kind of Focus
There’s another kind of focus, less glamorous but more sustainable: the focus that comes from compassion.
The kind that says: I’m not in the zone today, but I can still begin.
The kind that stops measuring your day by output and starts noticing whether you’re treating yourself like a person, not a project.
The kind that accepts that not every task will feel good—and that your worth doesn’t rise and fall with your productivity.
Maybe the challenge isn’t to spend more time in hyperfocus, but to build a life that doesn’t fall apart when you’re not there.
Let Go, Gently
There’s a grief that comes with letting go of Super-You. But there’s also relief.
You don’t have to chase the lightning.
You don’t have to wait to feel amazing.
You don’t have to prove yourself worthy by earning your focus first.
You can start right here, in the mess of an ordinary brain, with a little less magic and a lot more kindness.
Because you don’t need superpowers to live a meaningful life. You just need the courage to show up as yourself—on the days when it’s easy, and maybe even more so on the days when it’s not.
Reliably Unreliable: How to Plan a Life You Can’t Stick To
You don’t need a better planner. You need a better relationship with chaos.
There’s a special kind of panic that comes from trying to plan a future you don’t trust yourself to live. It’s like writing an itinerary for someone who might not show up—except that someone is you.
People with ADHD know this intimately. We don’t just live with executive dysfunction; we live with the anticipation of it. The unreliability isn’t always the hardest part—it’s the part where we see it coming and try, heroically, to out-strategize ourselves.
I once spent three hours designing a Notion dashboard so elegant and color-coded it could probably run a Fortune 500 company. I then proceeded to not open it for two weeks. Not because I didn’t want to—but because the part of me that built it was no longer in charge.
The Worry Before the Worry
As Oliver Burkeman writes in Meditations for Mortals:
“The worrier gets things exactly backwards. He’s so terrified that he might not be able to rely on his inner resources, later on, when he reaches a bridge that needs crossing, that he makes superhuman efforts to bring the future under his control right now.”
That’s what we’re doing when we over-plan. We’re not being Type A. We’re being existentially preemptive. We’ve internalized the message that our inconsistency is a moral failing, so we try to overcompensate in advance.
I’m not sure I’ve ever sat down to work without a faint undercurrent of dread: What if this is the day I can’t pull it off? It’s not imposter syndrome in the usual sense. It’s more like a long, slow erosion of faith in my own reliability. I don’t doubt my abilities. I doubt my ability to summon them on demand.
The Trap of Certainty
The result is a kind of psychological rigidity: I don’t just want to succeed—I want a guarantee that I won’t fail. That I won’t space out. That I won’t overpromise, underdeliver, and then spiral into shame.
And because I can’t always trust myself later, I try to eliminate uncertainty now.
But here’s the trick: certainty doesn’t scale. You can never plan enough to make an unreliable brain feel safe. And the more you try to control the future, the more brittle you become when it inevitably refuses to be controlled.
This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a quiet rebellion: instead of demanding certainty, it invites you to build your life around what you care about—and to take action even if you’re not sure it’ll work.
A New Kind of Trust
That’s the shift. From trying to be consistent…
…to trying to be present.
From trying to eliminate risk…
…to preparing for the moment you fall off the plan, and need to forgive yourself quickly enough to try again.
Marcus Aurelius, whose ancient wisdom still sounds suspiciously like good ADHD coaching, wrote:
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”
Except in our case, “weapons of reason” might be a whiteboard, a pomodoro timer, and a friend texting “hey, did you remember your meds today?”
What Planning Looks Like Now
So yes, I still plan. But not with the expectation that I’ll follow it perfectly. I plan the way I’d pack for a trip with a toddler version of myself: extra snacks, loose expectations, a built-in nap window. I assume I’ll forget something. I build in gentle fail-safes, not rigid rules.
Instead of trying to become the person who never drops the ball, I try to be the person who knows how to pick it back up.
Because living with ADHD means living with variability. You will fall off the wagon. The question is—can you get back on without shaming yourself into paralysis?
That’s where ACT offers something radical: not discipline, but dignity.
ACT doesn’t ask you to eliminate uncertainty. It asks you to make room for it—to let your fear of inconsistency ride along without driving the car. It teaches you to:
- Notice the panic that says, “You can’t trust yourself.”
- Unhook from it—not by arguing, but by saying, “Thanks, brain. Noted.”
- Refocus on what matters, not what might go wrong.
- And then, take the next small step, even if it’s wobbly.
In ACT terms, this is called psychological flexibility—the ability to stay present, open up to your experience, and move toward your values even in the face of fear, failure, or forgetting.
And for those of us with ADHD, that flexibility is everything. Because we can’t build our lives on guarantees. But we can build them on something more durable: willingness. A willingness to show up anyway. To keep going after the derailment. To let go of perfect control in exchange for imperfect action.
To plan, not because we know how it’ll go—but because we care enough to keep trying.
Note: This is from Day 7 of Mediation for Mortals and from the ADHD quote about anxiety from my blog.
You Can Do Hard Things. Just Not All at Once
(An ACT-based meditation for mortals with ADHD)
I’ve always liked the idea of doing hard things. In theory. In practice, I’d prefer to think about doing hard things while simultaneously making a new to-do list, checking if the dishwasher is clean, and rereading the Wikipedia summary of the Napoleonic Wars.
This is the paradox of the ADHD brain: we often want to do something meaningful. Something challenging. Something that makes us feel a little larger than the day before. But when the moment comes to begin, we’re already halfway down a hallway chasing a different idea that felt, at the time, slightly more important—or slightly less threatening.
So when I read Oliver Burkeman’s reflection on what Jung called a “life task”—something that can be done “only by effort and with difficulty”—I felt seen. Not the triumphant kind of “seen.” More like the you just made eye contact with someone who caught you eating peanut butter out of the jar at 2am kind of seen. Burkeman, channeling Jung and James Hollis, writes that the life task isn’t about happiness or clarity or certainty. It’s about choosing the kind of difficulty that stretches you. “The dying that enlarges,” as Hollis puts it. For those of us with ADHD, this isn’t theoretical. Almost everything worth doing requires effort and difficulty. Calling the insurance company. Writing a first draft. Remembering to pick up the prescription—not just realizing you forgot it again while brushing your teeth.
Here’s how this usually goes inside my brain:
Me: I want to write something meaningful today.
Also me: I should probably clean the entire garage first. Also reorganize my digital files. Also, maybe I’m not ready yet.
Also also me: If it really mattered to me, wouldn’t I have done it already?
Burkeman’s framework, and ACT therapy, offer a different lens. You’re not failing because it’s hard. You’re noticing that it’s hard because it matters.
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) teaches that difficulty is not a sign you’re on the wrong path. It’s often a sign you’re on the right one. That resistance, that tangled feeling in your chest—that’s what it feels like to move toward your values, rather than away from them. It doesn’t mean you push through every obstacle with brute force or turn your life into a productivity boot camp. It just means you stop waiting for it to be easy. You stop waiting to feel like doing the thing. You recognize that your brain will throw up flares and friction—and that you can still act anyway.
But here’s the caveat. And it matters, especially for those of us who live in “go big or go lie down” mode: You can do hard things. But not all at once. Your life task isn’t to fix your entire life this afternoon. It’s not to become a new person by Friday. It’s to notice what matters, in this moment—and take one doable step toward it.
In Burkeman’s words, your life task “will be something you can do.” Not something you dream about, or beat yourself up for not having done already—but something that fits within the messy, human shape of your current life. Maybe it’s sending the email. Maybe it’s getting out of bed. Maybe it’s not starting a new project, but following through on the one you already began. You won’t get a parade for it. But you might feel a little more alive.
So today, if your brain is pinging in 12 directions and you feel like a failure for not doing everything… don’t do everything. Just ask: What’s the life task here, now, in this body, in this hour? And then, do the hard thing you can do. The one that enlarges you—even a little. Even if it’s done imperfectly, with snack crumbs, and a browser tab still open to Napoleon.
Absolutely! Here’s the post with all the original formatting preserved—headers, bold, italics, blockquotes—but with all line breaks removed so it reads as a continuous block of text (useful for newsletter pasting, etc.):
My Brain Is a Room Full of Toddlers. Here’s the One I Listen To
There’s a moment most days when I find myself standing in the kitchen, staring at the refrigerator. I’ve opened it, but I don’t remember why. The milk is already on the table, my coffee is in my hand, and the toast is… well, toast. Still, here I am. The fridge is open, and my brain has turned into a preschool classroom at snack time. Loud. Messy. All needs, no patience. Welcome to what I call the toddler room. Every thought has a tiny voice, and none of them have learned to wait their turn.
“Let’s reorganize the bookshelf!”
“You forgot to respond to that email from two days ago.”
“What if you wrote a newsletter called ‘Existential Snack Time’?”
“We’re out of peanut butter. Is that a metaphor?”
For a long time, I thought the problem was that I couldn’t focus. I’d get frustrated—sometimes furious—with myself for chasing distractions like a dog chasing squirrels. But somewhere along the way, through therapy and trial (and error, and error), I realized the goal isn’t to silence the voices. It’s to learn which ones I want to follow. This is where ACT—Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—comes in. ACT doesn’t promise to quiet the noise. It offers something better: the skill of defusion, or what I like to call not believing every toddler who tugs on your sleeve.
The One Voice Worth Following
ACT teaches that thoughts aren’t commands. They’re just… thoughts. Some are useful. Some are not. Some are interesting but unhelpful—like a toddler with a glitter project five minutes before bedtime. So now, when I notice my mind racing, I try to do two things:
- Name the voices. “Ah, there’s the anxious one who thinks the world will end if I don’t answer that Slack message in the next three minutes.” “Oh look, the creative one wants to drop everything and start a new podcast about moral philosophy and snack foods.” “Here’s the avoidant one, pitching a plan to completely reorganize the junk drawer rather than sit down and write this blog post.”
- Ask: Who’s speaking from my values? Which voice, if I followed it, would move me in the direction of the kind of person I want to be?
And I don’t always choose well. Sometimes the glitter wins. But over time, I’m learning to listen for the quieter voice in the back—the one who says, “You said you wanted to write. It’s okay if it’s messy. Let’s show up anyway.”
You Don’t Have to Fire the Whole Class
I used to think the goal was to become some serene adult, unbothered by inner noise. But ACT—and life—have shown me something softer: you don’t have to change your brain to live meaningfully. You just have to choose which voices to act on. So now, when my brain feels like a chaotic preschool, I pause. I take a breath. And I try to find the one kid who’s not shouting, but who’s holding a crayon and quietly saying, “Can we draw something true?” That’s the one I follow.
Reflection Question:
Next time your mind feels like a chorus of tiny, insistent voices—can you pause and ask which one is pointing you toward what really matters?
Perfect—here’s the blog post with section headers included to guide the reader, but no line separators between sections, and no bold formatting. It flows naturally in your voice and layout:
Two Faces, One Engine: Why Hyperfocus and Fusion Are the Same Beast
There’s a moment—usually around 11:42 p.m.—when I find myself deep in a Wikipedia hole about something like the history of barbed wire. I’ll have forgotten to eat dinner. The lights are still on in rooms I’m no longer in. My body is tired, but my brain is doing that thing it does: holding on tightly, refusing to let go.
That’s hyperfocus, right?
But here’s the thing. Earlier that same day, I might’ve spent hours stuck on a single thought:
“You’re already behind.”
“If you rest now, you’ll lose everything.”
“This has to be perfect or it’s worthless.”
Not doing anything, just spinning—mentally locked in place.
That’s cognitive fusion, if you’re speaking ACT.
And I used to think those were different problems. One was about overworking, the other about overthinking. But I don’t think that anymore.
I think they’re the same problem, wearing different clothes.
The common denominator: attentional capture
Whether it’s a task, a thought, or a story you tell yourself at 3 a.m., both hyperfocus and fusion stem from the same root mechanism:
Your brain detects something meaningful—emotionally charged, urgent, or identity-relevant—and locks on.
That’s it. That’s the whole show.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s the thrilling rush of a new idea or the terrifying weight of self-doubt. Either way, your mind narrows. The outside world dims. You become fused—not just with a task or a thought, but with the feeling that this is the only thing that matters.
Hyperfocus and fusion: same engine, different gears
| Trait | Hyperfocus | Fusion |
|---|---|---|
| Focuses on… | An external activity | An internal thought or belief |
| Feels like… | Flow, urgency, tunnel vision | Worry, rumination, urgency |
| What gets lost | Awareness of time, body, priorities | Awareness of perspective, choice, values |
| The deeper cause | High salience + low executive control | High salience + low psychological flexibility |
In both cases, your system gets hijacked. And in both cases, you stop choosing.
Why ACT works for both
This is where ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) becomes so powerful—not because it fights the symptom, but because it targets the shared structure underneath.
ACT teaches you to notice when you’re no longer in the driver’s seat. Whether your attention is stuck on a spreadsheet or on a spiral of shame, the skill is the same:
- Defuse from the thought or task.
- Notice what’s actually happening inside and around you.
- Choose what matters next.
It doesn’t try to break the engine. It helps you steer it.
That’s why ACT works so well for ADHD—even though it wasn’t designed with us in mind. It doesn’t care whether you’re trapped in a project or a panic. It just helps you get un-trapped.
The kindest frame
When you realize that hyperfocus and fusion are two sides of the same neural coin, something softens. You stop thinking of yourself as inconsistent, chaotic, or self-defeating.
You start to see that your brain isn’t switching between opposites. It’s doing the same thing—responding to meaning, to fear, to desire—just through different lenses.
It’s not broken. It’s just sensitive to meaning and slow to release.
Final thought
Hyperfocus grabs your attention. Fusion grabs your identity. But both grow from the same soil: a mind that holds on too tightly.
The work, then, is not to pry your mind open with force.
It’s to gently loosen your grip. To remember there’s a world beyond the tunnel. And to step into it—one small, chosen action at a time.
You don’t need to fight the engine. You just need to remember: you are not the gear you’re stuck in.
Overload!
By an ACT Therapist Who’s Been There
I entered the elevator, and I saw a light for the overload indicator in the elevator. Even though it wasn’t lit, I still felt that my brain was overloaded.
This is the reality for many of us—especially those with ADHD. On paper, everything might look fine. No bells ringing, no lights flashing. But inside? The system is maxed out.
A lot of the time, the overload doesn’t come from “too much stuff” in the external sense. It comes from holding too tightly to just a few things. An identity. A goal. A project. A relationship. A belief.
The technical term in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is cognitive fusion. It’s what happens when the mind tells a story, and instead of seeing it as a story, you treat it like The Truth. The only truth. So if your brain says, “I have to get this right or I’m a failure,” you don’t pause and notice that it’s just a thought. You absorb it. You wear it. You are it.
When you have ADHD, this fusion can sneak up on you. Because your mind is always on the move, scanning for the next urgent thing, it clings tight to anything that feels clear or important. Maybe it’s the idea that you’re finally going to be “on top of things.” Or the identity of being “the creative one” or “the high performer” or “the person who bounces back.”
So you grip it. You pour yourself into it. And without realizing it, you begin to build your entire self-worth around whether or not that one thing works out.
And that’s where the overload happens.
Because if you’re fused to being a high achiever, what happens when you’re tired? When the project doesn’t land? When you drop a ball—or seven?
If you’re fused to being the reliable one, what happens when your time blindness makes you late again?
If you’re fused to finally “getting it together,” what happens when the laundry piles up, or the inbox fills back to 372 unread messages?
Your self-concept doesn’t bend—it breaks.
This is why ACT focuses not on controlling our thoughts or perfecting our behavior, but on holding lightly. Practicing defusion. Learning to say, “Ah, there’s that thought again,” instead of, “This thought defines me.”
And in those moments when you’re staring at a to-do list that seems taller than you are, or when you’ve hit the same wall for the tenth time that week, ask yourself gently:
“Is this something I’m doing… or something I’ve become?”
Because there’s a world of difference between I failed at that task and I’m a failure.
Between That thing matters to me and I can’t be OK if this doesn’t go well.
Overload isn’t always about the number of things we’re holding. Sometimes it’s about how tightly we’re holding just one.
So if you feel the light in your mind flickering, the elevator straining beneath the weight, try loosening your grip. Just a little. Step out for a moment.
You’re still you, even when things aren’t working. You’re allowed to care, without being consumed.
And if you can learn to hold your thoughts with a little more space—maybe you’ll find there’s more room in the elevator after all.
Busy Is a Costume: What Happens When You Take It Off?
You’re not always working, but you’re always doing something. The moment things slow down—even briefly—there’s a creeping sense that you’re falling behind, missing something, or wasting time. So you reach for the cloak of busy again. Maybe you tidy the counter, open a tab you won’t read, say yes to something you half-want to do. It’s not that you love being busy. It’s that stillness feels like exposure. And exposure feels like danger.
For many people with ADHD, busyness becomes a kind of armor. When you’re in motion, you’re safe. You’re needed. You’re not lazy. You’re holding it all together. You’re not bored, overwhelmed, or drifting through a life you don’t quite know how to be in—you’re doing something about it. Even if you can’t say what, exactly.
And it makes perfect sense. ADHD brains crave stimulation. Busyness—especially the urgent, reactive kind—delivers a quick hit of purpose, direction, and dopamine. It helps you feel momentarily less scattered. But that borrowed clarity comes at a cost. The more we rely on motion to soothe us, the harder it gets to believe we’re okay without it.
Eventually, you start confusing the costume for your skin.
If I’m not busy, am I falling apart?
If I’m not being useful, am I wasting space?
If I slow down, will I finally have to feel what I’ve been running from?
This isn’t just a mindset. It’s a nervous system pattern. ADHD isn’t only about focus—it’s about how your body responds to the world. You’ve been conditioned—by experience, school, culture—to associate stimulation with aliveness and stillness with shame, boredom, or collapse. So when things get quiet, your body may panic like it’s just been left behind by the herd.
Which means calm might not feel calm at first.
It might feel false. Hollow. Awkward.
Like pretending to be someone who meditates, or meal preps, or has One Tab Open.
But here’s the thing: pretending can be practice.
You don’t have to feel grounded to act from a grounded place.
You don’t have to believe you’re calm to take the next calm step.
You can begin from calm—even if your insides are a Category 5 hurricane. That’s not faking it. That’s courage.
Here’s what that might look like:
- You feel the urge to do “just one more thing”… and you don’t.
- You open your laptop to zone out… and close it again.
- You sit down to write the thing that matters—not because it’s urgent, but because it’s yours.
And yes, at first, it might feel worse.
Like standing still after spinning in circles—your body trying to remember what stillness feels like when it’s not punishment.
But over time, something shifts. The restlessness softens.
You begin to trust the quiet parts of yourself—not just the fast ones.
You realize you can feel discomfort without rushing to fix it. That you can act from sanity, even when you don’t feel particularly sane.
Stillness may not feel like a reward.
But it might be the doorway back to yourself.
Alright — here’s how I’d extend that ADHD-as-novelty-addiction post into the existential therapist territory, tying in the “emptiness” that can follow.
ADHD, Novelty, and the Hollow Space That Follows
One of the hidden truths about a novelty-driven brain is that it’s not just about chasing the new — it’s about what happens after.
You start the project, relationship, or hobby and it feels electric. You’re not just doing something; you’re becoming someone — the person who paints, runs, travels, starts a business. For a while, life feels sharp and saturated. But then the shine wears off.
And here comes the part people don’t talk about: the drop. The flatness. That strange emptiness that creeps in when the dopamine fades.
It’s not just boredom. It’s the absence of the thing that was giving you momentum, meaning, and a sense of self. In that moment, you can feel… hollow. Unmoored. If you’re not careful, the solution seems obvious: find the next shiny thing. The next hit.
Why the emptiness feels existential
- The novelty was propping up your identity.
Without it, you’re forced to ask, Who am I when I’m not starting something new? - The meaning machinery goes offline.
Dopamine doesn’t just fuel pleasure — it flags what’s important. When it dips, the world can look washed-out and pointless. - The cycle hides bigger questions.
The constant chase keeps you from sitting still long enough to face uncertainty, grief, or the quiet ache of not knowing your next step.
What to do when the buzz fades
As tempting as it is, don’t sprint to the next new thing immediately. Give yourself a pause — even a small one — to sit in the quiet. This is where the existential work happens.
- Name the feeling.
“This is the drop after the high.” Naming it gives you a little distance, so it’s not you, it’s just something passing through you. - Find “small” meaning.
When the big, exciting meaning disappears, look for tiny anchors: making the bed, calling a friend, tending to a plant. Small meaning keeps you tethered until the next wave of curiosity comes. - Separate self-worth from momentum.
You’re not valuable because you’re in motion. You’re valuable because you’re here, breathing, existing. Your worth doesn’t depend on being mid-project. - Revisit, don’t replace.
Sometimes, going back to something “old” and seeing it with fresh eyes is just as nourishing as chasing something brand-new.
The truth is, novelty will always be part of your wiring — and so will the emptiness that follows if you rely on it as your main fuel. The challenge (and opportunity) is to build a life that can hold you during those in-between spaces, so you’re not always patching the void with the next big thing.
Because sometimes the most radical act for a novelty-hungry mind is to stay.
The Day That Never Starts
There’s a peculiar kind of procrastination that lives inside the ADHD mind.
It’s not “I’ll do it later.” It’s “I wish this day would just end.”
It’s not laziness. It’s not even avoidance, exactly. It’s a deeper, almost existential exhaustion — a quiet wish to escape time itself.
When the Day Looms
Most people wake up and gradually slip into their day.
For someone with ADHD, the day doesn’t start — it arrives, fully formed, all at once. Every task, every decision, every small responsibility shouts for attention. You can see everything you’re supposed to do, but the act of beginning feels like trying to start a car with no battery.
So you hover — scrolling, grazing, staring, moving from room to room — not doing nothing, exactly, but not doing anything that counts.
And beneath all of it is this strange, desperate thought: If I can’t start living the day, maybe I can just make it go away.
It’s not a wish to die. It’s a wish to be relieved of the burden of choice.
The Dizziness of Freedom
The existentialists had a word for this: angst.
Not the sad, teenage kind — the real kind.
The kind that comes from realizing that every moment is a blank canvas, and that you, and only you, get to decide what goes on it.
Kierkegaard called it “the dizziness of freedom.” Sartre said we are “condemned to be free.”
For most people, that freedom feels empowering.
For someone with ADHD, it can feel unbearable.
Every day becomes a field of infinite possibilities — all of them technically available, none of them emotionally accessible. You can see what you should do. You might even want to do it. But you can’t bridge the gap between intention and action.
And that gap — between seeing life and being able to enter it — becomes agony.
So you stand there, paralyzed at the edge of your own freedom, secretly hoping the clock will just skip to tomorrow.
The Perfectionism Trap
Oliver Burkeman writes that perfectionism isn’t about wanting things to be perfect — it’s about wanting to avoid the pain of imperfection.
It’s a control fantasy.
The belief that if we can just plan the right system, find the right routine, or finally get our act together, we’ll escape the messiness of being human.
For people with ADHD, that fantasy is intoxicating — and cruel.
Because the ADHD brain is built on imagination. It can see the ideal version of the day: the clean desk, the finished work, the well-executed plan.
But it can’t follow the straight path to get there.
So you live in the gap — haunted by the vision of perfection and humiliated by your inability to reach it.
Burkeman calls this the “when-I-finally” trap.
“When I finally get organized.”
“When I finally catch up.”
“When I finally become the person I’m supposed to be.”
ADHD keeps you stuck in that future tense forever. You can’t enter the perfect day, so you give up on the imperfect one. You scroll. You sleep. You wait for tomorrow — which always promises to be easier, cleaner, more possible.
Hyperfocus and Addiction: The False Exits
When the pressure becomes unbearable, the brain looks for escape routes.
That’s where hyperfocus comes in — or, failing that, addiction.
Hyperfocus feels like magic. After hours of paralysis, suddenly you’re in it: alive, absorbed, unstoppable. You lose time, hunger, even a sense of self.
But it’s not control — it’s surrender.
It’s the mind saying, “If I can’t manage my freedom, I’ll disappear into something that manages me.”
Addiction works the same way. It’s not about pleasure — it’s about containment. When time feels too wide, you’ll take any tunnel that narrows it. The ADHD brain doesn’t crave dopamine because it’s greedy — it craves dopamine because it’s drowning.
Staying Inside Time
The hard truth — the one that makes ADHD so existential — is that healing isn’t about finding the perfect system. It’s about learning to stay inside time even when it hurts.
That’s the real therapy work:
to make peace with the unfinished, the imperfect, the incomplete.
A few small, humble practices:
- Shrink time until it’s breathable. Stop planning the day. Plan the next five minutes. ADHD doesn’t need grand visions — it needs footholds.
- Name the fantasy. When you catch yourself longing for the “perfect day,” call it what it is: a way to escape the fear of freedom.
- Reclaim intensity. Use hyperfocus, but aim it. Treat it like fire — beautiful, powerful, but not safe to sleep beside.
- Anchor in values, not outcomes. Ask: What would make this moment feel like a life I can stand to live in? That’s enough.
The Courage to Stay
People call ADHD a “deficit of attention.”
But in some ways, it’s the opposite — it’s too much awareness.
Too much time, too many possibilities, too much self-consciousness about everything you’re not doing.
And so you wish the day would end — not out of despair, but out of fatigue from carrying all that potential.
Oliver Burkeman says that perfectionism is just a refusal to be human.
Existentialists would say the same about freedom: it terrifies us because it makes us responsible for our own lives.
Maybe that’s what ADHD really is — not a failure of attention, but a fear of freedom made visible.
A mind that sees infinite possibilities, and must learn, somehow, to live among them.
Because the goal isn’t to master time.
It’s to stay here — imperfect, unfinished, and still choosing — even when the day refuses to start.