Robert goes up with a soft start. I’ll start talking and people will be talking over me.
Robert: (Softly.) Hey everyone. It’s great to be here tonight. Fair warning, I was called to MC on late notice and I don’t have much prepared (pulls out paper).
Abigail: (Loudly from the back of the room). LOUDER. YOU NEED BE LOUDER. MUCH LOUDER.
Robert: Still, it’s an honor to host Habonim Casino Night. And please remember, if you don’t like my jokes, it’s not my fault. The writers are on strike.
Abigail: (Loudly again). COME ON. SERIOUSLY. WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Robert: LOOK. I WOULDN’T NEED TO BE LOUDER IF EVERYONE WOULD JUST BE QUIET. REMEMBER THAT WE’RE HERE TO CELEBRATE PEOPLE WHO ARE GIVING SO MUCH TO THE SHUL. On second thought. Honey, if you think this is so easy, why don’t you just come up here and do this?
Abigail: I thought you’d never ask.
Abigail comes up to the stage.
Robert: And now I think we’ve got your attention. (Kiss) Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful cohost, Abigail Schlaff.
Abigail
Welcome to the Habonim Casino! We’ve got blackjack, poker, roulette, craps– it’s like a trip to Atlantic City, minus the bankrupt Trump hotels.
Robert
We are here for one reason: to gamble with our kids’ college funds. It’s okay. If they end up being educated by cats on YouTube, it was for a good cause.
Abigail
Why are we having a casino tonight? When the Gala committee started planning they thought: you know what brings people back again and again, fosters healthy engagement, and leads to a lot of prayer? A casino.
Robert
So here’s how the casino will work. We have 2 blackjack tables, a poker table, a roulette table and a craps table. Gaming tables will be open from 7-9pm. Everyone starts with $50 of “casino cash” to play with. But what do you do when you run out of money? Buy more casino cash. We take Visa, Mastercard, and, if you’re in a pinch, firstborn son.
Abigail
And while you’re playing don’t miss the fancy tequila from Alan Halperin. It’s different than regular tequila, because instead of doing shots, you gracefully sip it–but either way you end up having a great time gambling away your next mortgage payment.
Robert
At the end of the night, the big winners will get to select their prizes. Word is that whoever ends up with the most cash gets their own Supreme Court Justice.
Abigail
Here’s what you’re playing for tonight:
· A Fall Weekend at a lovely house in the Poconos. We’ve been there and it’s beautiful. You can go boating, hiking, or the other Pennsylvania pastime, getting drunk and jumping off a bus shelter after the Eagles win.
Robert
We’ve also got 2 VIP tickets to see Stephen Colbert. It’s like watching the news, but it makes you laugh instead of cry.
Abigail
· You can win 2 tickets to a NY Rangers game– next season, obviously. This is perfect for parents who can’t get enough of watching young people fight in a skating rink.
Robert
· You can win 2 tickets to the Manhattan Theater Club production of Poor Yella Rednecks. Get ’em before all the words in that title are cancelled.
Abigail
· You can win a 1 year Membership to Crunch Gym. Remember, it’s never too early to give up on your next New Year’s Resolution.
We’ve also got some yummy food: Salad & Such…. Fish… Middle Eastern Bistro…. Risotto Bar… Desserts….
Robert
Thank you to everyone who has made this night possible. Thanks to the Rabbi and Jessica and the board for leading our congregation throughout this. Thanks to Jay Katsir for helping with the jokes — don’t tell the Writers Guild.
Abigail
Thank you to Jocelyn, Mindy and the rest of the Gala Committee! Let’s hear it for the Gala committee! And special thanks to Susan Grant who not only not only has been acting as our President but I’ve also seen her putting up the tiles on the outside of our building on 65th street.
Robert
Also, before we kick it off, I want to celebrate a birthday tonight. As you know, Israel just turned 75. And Israel is the perfect 75 year old for Habonim: she’s vigorous but you still worry about her, she sometimes makes the grandkids uncomfortable, and, most importantly, she has a lot of strong opinions about Israel.
Abigail
So let’s raise a glass, do a l’chaim, and get gambling!