“You’re not wrong, but you’re not 100% right either.”
– Wise words from my boss Joshua Feldman
Imagine this scenario: A facilitator walks into an office to mediate a conflict between a boss and her employees. She begins optimistically: “This is a safe space. Share how you feel. There are no wrong answers.”
One employee jumps right in. “I feel like I work for a huge SOB with impossible demands.”
The boss barely pauses before replying. “I feel like my people are lazy, always looking for an excuse to leave early.”
This type of exchange happens far too often. Two people or groups, each absolutely convinced they’re in the right, talking at rather than to each other. Every conversation they have spirals into the same frustrating loop: emotions flare, points are missed, and even if they reach a truce, it feels hollow. Before long, they’re right back where they started.
Why does this happen? Because each side is so attached to their version of the truth that they can’t see the other perspective. To the boss, her team is unmotivated and disengaged. To the employees, their boss is demanding and out of touch. Both perspectives 100% right to those holding it, leaving little room for curiosity, let alone compromise. The conversation becomes a contest: someone wins, someone loses. And in the end, everyone’s worse off.
The False Comfort of Being Right
The problem with these standoffs is that they’re built on a faulty premise: that one side is right and the other one is wrong. It’s comforting to think this way—it simplifies things. But it’s also rarely true.
In reality, both sides often hold part of the truth. The boss may notice employees leaving early, but miss the late nights they’ve already put in. The employees may feel stung by her criticism, but fail to see the pressure she’s under to meet company goals. Each perspective has its merits, but on their own, they’re incomplete.
To get to the full truth, both sides need to create something bigger than their individual views: a shared pool of meaning. This isn’t about forcing agreement or glossing over differences. It’s about collecting all the pieces of the puzzle, even the ones that are uncomfortable or inconvenient, to see the situation as it really is.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Of course, the facts alone aren’t what make these situations so fraught. The real trouble lies in the stories we layer on top of those facts—the interpretations we craft to make sense of them. These stories carry emotional weight, and they can be incredibly persuasive.
To the boss, employees leaving early might feel like laziness or disrespect. To the employees, her critique might seem like a signal that their hard work goes unnoticed. These stories feel deeply personal and deeply true, but they’re often built on assumptions on top of reality. When left unexamined, they fuel defensiveness and mistrust, locking everyone into a cycle of conflict.
But when both sides are willing to pause and ask, What if my story isn’t the whole story? something shifts. They begin to see how their frustrations and grievances are often two sides of the same coin. The boss, feeling overburdened, sees disengagement where the employees, feeling unappreciated, see exhaustion. Both perspectives are valid, but neither makes sense without the other.
From Winning to Understanding
Letting go of the need to “win” a conversation isn’t easy—it requires humility and curiosity. Humility to admit you don’t have all the answers. Curiosity to ask, What am I missing? But when we make that shift, something remarkable happens. The conversation stops being a standoff and becomes a collaboration. The goal changes from proving who’s right to uncovering what’s true.
It’s not about diluting conflict into some kind of kumbaya moment. It’s about getting to the heart of the issue—together. The process can be uncomfortable, sure. But it’s also incredibly freeing. With a shared understanding, you’re no longer stuck in endless rounds of the same argument. You can actually move forward.
A Thought Worth Holding On To
These kinds of conversations aren’t easy, and they’re rarely quick. They require patience, vulnerability, and a willingness to be wrong—or at least not entirely right. But they also have the power to transform relationships, not just resolving conflict but strengthening the connection between people.
So the next time you find yourself locked in a frustrating back-and-forth, take a step back. Ask yourself: What am I holding on to so tightly? What am I not seeing? You might be surprised by what you discover—and by how much better it feels to stop fighting for “right” and start working toward understanding.
I learned this key lesson from the book Crucial Conversations. I wrote up my summary by exporting my notes from the Kindle edition of the book and created my own story from it. These ideas form the foundation at the beginning of the book.