I used to think that conversations were about what two people say to each other. Recently I’ve come to think of them as an improv game where each person adds something unique to the mix. One person might introduce a surprising idea, while another runs with it in an unexpected direction. After it’s over, we can try to untangle where an idea came from but often we can’t do it because the conversation has taken on a life of its own. It grows, shifts, and moves in ways that even the participants might not anticipate. It’s like a river that follows its own course taking everyone along with it.
I’ve started to see a conversation as this thing between us, ephemerally floating in the air. It’s a useful way to see the world but so much harder than just seeing two people. But there are other things that only exist as joint collaborations. Think about a symphony or dance performance. A symphony isn’t just the individual musicians playing their instruments; it’s the harmony that emerges when all the sounds come together. Similarly, a dance performance isn’t just a sequence of steps by each dancer; it’s the energy, emotion, and story that are created when they move in unison, responding to the music and each other.
Physical phenomena are also like this. We think we see a fire, but fire doesn’t stay still. It isn’t just a collection of flames or sparks; it’s a dynamic, living process. It needs fuel, oxygen, and heat to exist, and it changes constantly as it burns. The flickering of flames, the warmth, the light—it all combines into an experience that’s mesmerizing and powerful, but you can’t point to one part of the fire and say, “This is the fire.”
A rainbow is even more elusive. It’s not a thing you can touch or hold. It forms when sunlight and raindrops come together in just the right way, bending light into a spectrum of colors. You can see it, and it feels real, yet you can’t approach it or catch it. It exists because of a unique set of circumstances, vanishing as soon as those circumstances change.
Trying to own or master a conversation is like trying to get to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It feels so tangible but it’s always out of reach. The moment we try to hold onto it too tightly, we risk missing its essence. Conversations, much like rainbows, exist because of a specific combination of factors, and their magic lies in their fleeting, ever-changing nature.
So, perhaps the beauty of a conversation lies in its fleeting, ever-changing nature. It’s not something we can fully own, control, or predict. Like a river, a symphony, or even a rainbow, a conversation is a living process that arises from a blend of elements—ideas, emotions, silences, and unexpected turns. When we stop trying to direct it and instead allow it to unfold naturally, we open up space for genuine connection and discovery. In the end, the magic of conversation isn’t in the words themselves, but in the shared experience of letting something greater than any one person emerge.
For Extra Credit
Philosophers have dealt with this idea too. I asked ChatGPT for help here and found it enlightening.
- Eastern Philosophies don’t think about individuals at all—it’s the whole that matters. In traditions like Taoism and Buddhism, there’s an emphasis on interconnectedness and the flow of the universe. The Tao, for instance, is seen as the underlying natural order of everything, and attempting to impose one’s will on it only disrupts harmony. Similarly, in a conversation, if we focus too much on controlling the outcome or on our individual contributions, we disrupt the natural flow of exchange. It’s not about the separate actions, but about how everything weaves together in the moment.
- Process Philosophy looks at everything as a dynamic process
rather than as static entities. It suggests that everything we experience is in a state of becoming, constantly changing and evolving. Alfred North Whitehead, a prominent figure in process philosophy, argued that reality is not made up of distinct objects but rather of events, experiences, and processes. A conversation, from this perspective, isn’t a fixed thing that happens between people; it’s a fluid event that arises, evolves, and eventually dissolves, only to be remembered or interpreted in different ways by those involved. - Existentialism is about creating from nothing and embracing life’s inherent uncertainty. Jean-Paul Sartre, a key existentialist, described “nothingness” as a space where possibilities emerge. Conversations are created from this nothingness—arising from silence, shaped by the words and intentions of those involved, and evolving unpredictably once set in motion.
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