NY REGION
In a Tiny Hudson Town, Swing Turns Lethal
In started out as a simple fundraiser for the Debate Team. Now police in this sleepy Hudson town face the grim task of coming up with a new definition of manslaughter: death by dancepartner.

WRONG-HEADED DO-GOODISM
UNICEF, Amnesty International Call Sweatshops "OK By Us"
After a decade-long boycott, two of the world's leading humanitarian organizations finally give sweatshops lean bill of healh: "They're actually quite comfortable."

SPORTS
Holyfield-Lewis Judge Continues to Be Idiot
Jean Williams, the judge who astounded the boxing world with her, (in Don King's words) "moronity and dumbositude" by awarding Evander Holyfield a draw with Lenox Lewis, digs herself ever-deeper. Read this and add to her misery.

MEDIA
New Magazine for Lunatics Is So Crazy, It Just Might Work
Norman Mango is crazy...crazy like a fox! Backed by the deep pockets and empty head of a Brazilian tungsten king, he's set to launch The Bubbling Blueberry Eyeball, the first-ever magazine aimed at a long-neglcted niche: the insane!

OP-ED SCREED
Richard Mellon Scaife
Now that the Impeachment trial is over, we can get back to the real question: is the First Lady worse than Satan? "And how!" says this unhinged scion.

INTERNATIONAL
Swedes Propose Lasting Peace Through "War"
The Swedish delegation to the United Nations -- long since driven mad by that will o' the wisp called "Lasting Peace" -- have proposed a radical, mildly-entertaining method of conflict resolution. Meanwhile, experts warn of an arms race in playing cards.

CYBERTIMES
On Internet, Barbara Walters is Still Dead
Defying substantial evidence to the contrary, rumors of Barbara Walters' death continue to infest the Internet like blowflies on rotting meat. On the newsgroup alt.babs-walters/dead, each post rings new changes on the same grisly idea, and the hoax gains credence in the fact-free minds of America's pinheads.

BUSINESS
Drug Markets Mellow After Placebo Scare
After over 200 glittery, colorfully-dressed teens were sold oregano by a 19-year old dealer, analysts wondered if once-bitten meant twice-shy in the Sacramento recreational drug market. They needn't have worried: the bull has returned with a "radical vengeance, dude."

POLITICS ISSUE IN DEPTH
Buchanan Announces 2004 Presidential Bid
Already demoted to a protest vote for 2000, today stocky blow-hard Pat Buchanan threw his hat into the ring for 2004. However, with his unhealthy eating habits and sedentary lifestyle, some pundits predict he'll be dead by then. "I predict he'll choke to death trying to swallow Tim Russert whole," said George Will gravely.

SPORTS
Introducing, the Bangladesh Barons!
As the Chicago White Sox AA farm club begins its first season in South Asia, does it represent the way of the future, with overhead costs approaching zero, and an all-bamboo stadium? Or is this simply another vigorous buggering of baseball administered by owner Jerry Reinsdorf And what about malaria?

OP-ED COLUMNIST
Police Brutality Begins At Home
It may be blaming the victim -- okay, it is -- but blaming the cops would just make them madder, and that's the last thing we want.